So I met a guy the other day. Isn't that how all my stories start? Oh my gosh. It was about two weeks ago. How we met isn't important and what he's like isn't important. Nothing will happen between us and that's almost a promise. Although I'll be honest, he's the bees knees. We got to talking and he showed an interest in me and eventually invited me over to hangout. I made sure I made it very clear that I was not looking for a relationship by any means and was only interested in being friends. This was completely okay with him. He actually plays music. Sings and plays the guitar. EXTREMELY talented. Like he's one of those people you just KNOW are going to make it big one day and have a bajillion girls fawning over him. I didn't want to go on and on about him because I have no interest in dating, but I wanted to make it known that if I were to upload his photo on Instagram for man candy Monday and put "Ryan Gosling!" as the caption, no one would notice it isn't Ryan Gosling. Seriously, homeboy is beautiful. My friends and I actually refer to him as Ryan Gosling's stunt double.
Back to the story. We hung out and he brought me home. We had a fantastic night laughing and joking, talking and just learning more about each other. Well we arrive at my apartment and he gets out of the car. We hug and the hug feels a little more intimate than it should. My brain at this point is like "OH MY GOSH EMOTIONS. ABORT MISSION. ABORT MISSION." And instead of letting go of that a-little-too-long hug, I look up at him and bat my stupid, fabulous eyelashes. Sparks begin to fly and I know what he's about to do. I see him leaning in to plant a big one right on my perfectly glossy lips. I think of a billion excuses. First I think "Okay this lipgloss is from sephora and do I really want to waste some of it on a kiss?" And the more sensible part of me thought "Reject him, dummy. You're focusing on yourself, remember? Sure he looks like Ryan Gosling and can sing your pants right off, but YOU NEED TIME." So I did what any natural flirt would do. I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him in real close...just as his lips grazed mine, I pulled his face over so I could whisper in his ear "Sorry, I don't kiss guys I just met. If you want to kiss me, you're going to have to make sure you see me again." AND BAM I FELT SO COOL LIKE GO ME GIRL POWER IT WAS AMAZING LIKE WE WERE IN A MOVIE OR SOMETHING. At this point he has this look on his face. (Surprise, awe, lovestruck, impressed, idk.) But I then said "Goodnight!", batted my eyelashes once more, and turned away. He yelled after me "I had a great time tonight!" and I said "Me too! Drive safe." and that was that. Within two minutes I get a text that says "I had a great time tonight!" and I was like "Yeah, I heard you." Lol. We talked a little every day throughout the week. No heavy duty flirting or anything.
Over this week span, I got very sick. (As I mentioned in my previous blog.) Cystic Fibrosis is a progressive disease so as you get older, it gets worse. There's not a thing you can do about it, sadly. My biggest problem lately is that I've had this awful cough. The problem though isn't the cough, it's that it's so frequent and so hard. I'll cough and cough and cough and I won't have time to catch my breath in between sometimes. I know it sounds brutal, but I legitimately begin to choke on my own mucus sometimes. That's CF. It's not pretty.
Tonight Ryan Gosling's stunt double asked me to come over and just take it easy watching movies. I accepted. There was some cuddling and kissing involved...however we still have no intentions of pursuing after a relationship together. And it was totally innocent kissing. We weren't getting all hot and bothered or anything. I like to keep my first kisses rated PG. So he's holding me and something terrible happens. I cough. I cough again. I cough again, harder, and before I know it I have tears coming from my eyes and I can't breathe. I can't do anything. I can't catch my breath and I'm drowning. Really drowning. He had no idea what to do and he was terrified. I jumped up and ran to his bathroom and stayed in there until it calmed down. It was so scary. I just...couldn't breathe. I don't know how to explain it. I was drowning. When it calmed down, I realized I don't have any control. That CF is absolutely consuming me. That I can't control when I can and cannot breathe. No matter what I do, no matter how much medicine I shove down my throat, no matter how much chest therapy I do. I'm drowning. I come out and I can tell that he's shaken up. I try to reassure him that I'm fine and I know he's still really worried because he keeps asking me every two minutes "Are you sure you're okay?" And he hugged me. Tight. And I could feel it right there like "Wow, he thinks I'm fragile." And I guess I'm just furious because this disease is trying to run me down and ruin my life. It really is. And it's kicking my butt, I have to admit. So he took me home and he turns down the radio after moments of silence and says "I'm not freaked out." I was completely taken aback. He and I talked and he asked questions and I completely opened up and vented. I told him what it was like. How it felt. How frustrating and embarrassing it is. And he just listened. I haven't had someone do that in a very long time.
I have to confess that my ex and I talked just the other night and I tried venting. I mean, who else is better for the job than someone who has sat by my side in hospitals for so long? That has changed my IV's at 5am. Josh took care of me. That's what I was used to. But I realized the other night that not once did he ever ask how I felt emotionally about CF. I mean most people just assume everything is all hunky dorey because I'm so positive about it...but when I tried to vent to him, he said "You just need to take care of yourself. Take more medicine or something. Are you taking vitamins?" And I nearly exploded. I was venting to him, telling him REALLY personal things like "I can feel myself dying" and he asks if I'm taking VITAMINS. Anyways, that was dumb enough to make me lose the desire to talk to him for days so I haven't.
I know it seems like I'm gushing about Ryan Gosling's stunt double. I'm really not. It just felt nice to vent about my evening and my horribly embarrassing moment. I'm still focusing on myself and so far I have been really happy. (Minus the terminal illness.)
As always, thanks for reading!
Xoxo
IT girl
No comments:
Post a Comment