Time is one thing we simply have no control over.

I find it really hard not to burst into tears every time I sit down and REALLY think about Josh and I. I remember everything...the good and the bad. But for some reason tonight I can't get my mind off  the memory of the first time he called me in basic training. It's probably because we haven't really talked lately and I can't stop thinking about how exciting simply getting a text from him made me and how he literally snuck his phone in basic sometimes just to send a couple texts every day...and now he very rarely texts me. Like today we didn't talk at all. Anyways, the first time he called me in basic was a Friday. His parents invited me to a football game with them. "My soldier" popped up on my phone and I SCREAMED. I couldn't believe how excited I was. I didn't expect it or anything. It felt so, so good to talk. Hearing his voice after days of NOTHING. It was like Heaven. And he cried. And I stayed strong on the phone for him. And I let him know I wasn't going anywhere. I just remember how I felt that night. I was overwhelmed with love and joy because a ten minute phone call made my entire month. I really thought he was the person I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. It's so crazy how much has changed. I have so much resentment and hate built up for the army for taking away the person I love and changing them into this monster I don't know. I want to scream sometimes because I don't understand how someone can make so many promises and then just break them all one day. I don't understand how a person who is a stranger can just walk into your life, sweep you off your feet the way he did me, and then just throw you in the dirt. It was all so real to me and it seriously rips me open from the inside to know that he can even have sex with other girls and feel...nothing. It makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. I'm just so confused, still. And so hurt. I want to get over it all and I just don't know how. I don't know how to NOT miss him...and he thinks this is all just a game. He doesnt realize how I feel. And if he does, he doesn't care. I just feel so stupid...it feels nice to just type this out because I never talk about it from how I completely feel. I just feel like I wasted my life away on something that was only real to me. And I realize that makes me sound like a dumb teenager. But it's not like that at all. I'm not supposed to be alive today. You know? Like I was supposed to be gone by age 8. Cystic Fibrosis was supposed to KILL me and here I am and so insanely blessed. And I just feel like time is so precious. I feel so stupid for wasting it. That's all I know how to say...that I wasted part of my life. It doesn't seem like a big deal but to someone who isn't even supposed to have a long life, it is such a big deal. I'm "healthy" for right now (I mean I've had this terrible cough for months) but that's usually how it goes. And I hate myself every time I get sick because all I can think about is wanting him taking care of me. Wanting him holding my hand through it all. And that is so, so foolish of me. I wish I had never met him. I don't have TIME to waste loving someone that doesn't truly love me back. I don't know how to explain all of how I feel without coming off as overdramatic. I just feel like I'm stuck in an hourglass that is filling up with sand as time passes and I can feel the CF. I can FEEL it every time I cough and I have to catch my breath afterwards. It's hard to BREATHE and it SHOULDNT be. I shouldn't feel frustrated by BREATHING. I shouldn't cough so hard that it literally feels like my lungs aren't going to stay inside of my ribs. I wasted so much time. There's so much more I could have been doing with my life. CF doesn't wait for anyone. It just takes away from you. Everything. And I'm pretty good about not complaining but sometimes I just need to. I can feel my body doing things I don't know how to explain. I'm trying really hard to stay healthy but I have been sick now for months and I just feel so alone. I have no idea what to do. I should be seeing a doctor regularly but I'm not, and I'm dying. It sounds so brutal to say...but I can feel it happening every time I breathe. I'm not saying I'm dying SOON...I'm just saying I can feel it winning. And no one will pay any attention to me if I say that. I feel like I'm drowning in mucus. It's too thick and sticky to cough up and I can just feel it building up and making my lungs feel heavy and my chest feel tight. I'm wheezing every time I breathe and it's so embarrassing. I can't even laugh without breaking out into a cough spell that goes on for minutes. I feel so loud and obnoxious all the time. I hate staying the night with friends because when they start to fall asleep, I cough so loud and it wakes them up. I feel like a burden. I feel like when I cough in the grocery store and do it so fast that my hands don't make it to my mouth in time to cover up, parents with their children give me dirty looks like I'm going to harm their child with my disgusting germs when in reality, their child's germs could be more deadly to me. I'm sick of this invisible disease. I'm sick of looking healthy on the outside (for the most part) but feeling the way I do on the inside. I'm sick of telling someone "I'm sick." And them saying "Well you look fine to me?" Just because I look healthy doesn't mean I am. I hate that no matter how much medicine I take and how many breathing treatments I take, I still feel like I'm breathing through a straw. And I hate knowing the way I feel now, knowing this is the worst I've ever been, and also knowing that because CF is a progressive disease, that I get older it will only get worse. All of my friends with CF are dying in their twenties...and I feel so afraid to get close to any more patients. After Natalie died, I think I decided that I never want to get so close to anyone else with CF ever again. It's just so hard because they're the only ones that understand me. They're...my people. The people I can say all of this stuff to and be 100% understood, and not judged. I don't want to pretend to be okay for everyone else anymore. I want the people I love and even strangers I meet to know just how serious Cystic Fibrosis is, and how easy it can steal the life of someone young. I want to spread awareness so someday Cystic Fibrosis can stand for Cure Found. I don't care if I'm alive to see that day but I do know I need to do whatever it takes to spread awareness NOW. Cystic Fibrosis cannot be invisible anymore. People need to know.