Dating someone when you're not entirely over someone else: TERRIBLE IDEA.

So you and your ex have been broken up for a little while and you really begin to think about trying the whole relationship scene again. So you start to flirt around with a guy or two and eventually end up developing "feelings" because he's being so sweet, he's so witty, and he seems so genuine, plus it's almost like he has everything your ex lacked (and more?) It feels good that you're getting endearing good morning texts again and you two send each other selfies throughout the day and you feel so valued because of his reaction to your selfies. You get all excited when he likes your Instagram photos or posts tweets on twitter you know are about you. The beginning of a relationship is such a sweet phase. But you can't help but constantly think about your ex. At least that's what happened to me. I kept finding myself comparing the guy I was dating to my ex. Sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way that would make me miss my ex. I just didn't even feel the same way about the guy I was dating compared to the feelings I had for my ex. Everything made me miss my ex more. For example, I got sick and I thought I was going to have to be admitted to the hospital. All I could think about was the last time I was admitte to the hospital. Actually for the last two times I was admitted, I was with my ex. The first time I was staying with him at his apartment when he was going to college (way before the army) and I just was having the worst time breathing. He was at work so his roommate took me to the emergency room 2 and a half hours away. (Where I lived) and as soon as my ex got off of work, he drove in a bad storm at 3am and stayed with me the whole time I was in there. Even called into work. He only left once to go do PT for the army. A few times he fell asleep with me in my hospital bed and the nurse would come in and wake him up and make him sleep on the little cot but somehow in the morning I'd wake up to him by my side. The next hospital stay was a bit different. I had been sick for awhile but was too afraid to go to the hospital because I didn't want them to put me in. He was in basic training and there was a lot coming up like family day and his graduation and turning blue ceremony. So I toughed it out (which is really dangerous) I made it to everything. I was so happy I got to be there for it all. But the day I went home from his graduation I had a doctor appointment and they admitted me to the hospital just like I knew they would. This time was different because he had been stationed in Kentucky, 10 hours away. His family mostly came and saw me. More than my family did, actually. I was in for only a week and then my doctor told me I could go home but would have to keep the picc line in my arm and do IVs through it every 6 hours. (I had to go to school with it in. This was my senior year.) I couldn't do the IV medications myself because it was in my right arm and I'm right handed. My parents work schedule made it impossible me for them to do it so Josh's parents offered to let me stay there and for them to do it. My boyfriend came home for a weekend and learned how to do the IV and it was the absolute sweetest thing. I'm smiling as I type this thinking about it. Him waking up at 5am to start my IV. 

Anyways, this was all I could think about. My ex taking care of me. It made me miss him. I really honestly didn't want anyone else taking care of me. 

It got really hard for me on Christmas Day. I didn't get to see my boyfriend. Last Christmas I spent it with my ex and his family and it was really probably the best Christmas I've ever had because I really felt like I had this perfect family that loved me. I'm not used to that. Since Christmas Day we really hadn't been getting along. I feel like he lied about tiny things like falling asleep on me. (Things I would've gotten over if he'd just said "I was tired and fell asleep.) but instead he claimed to be playing video games until 5am for five hours without checking his phone once. (Yeah right.) Anyways, he nagged me a lot and that combined with me really missing my ex and his family just made me realize that I jumped into the relationship too fast. He cared about me more than I cared about him and yes, I feel terrible about that...but it is what it is and I can't help the way I feel.

We only dated a little under two months and sometimes I get these vibes that he really wanted to tell me he loved me and that freaked me out a little because that's something I take really seriously. My ex is the only guy I've ever said that to. I did like him, don't get me wrong...I just wasn't feeling the way that he was. I feel like if you are dating someone and have feelings for your ex, you don't need to be in a relationship. You either need to work on things with your ex or be single. You also shouldn't be with someone you couldn't really see yourself falling in love with, being married to, or having a family with. The reality of a relationship is that you either get married or you break up. Why lead someone on if you don't feel like they're the person you should spend forever with? Maybe I'm thinking about it too deeply but this is a subject I feel strongly about. Anyways, I felt like continuing to date him was unfair to us both because I had all these mixed up and complicated feelings and he wanted something really serious with me. I just wasn't ready. No this doesn't mean I'm going back to my ex. I'm just taking time to myself and enjoying life. Yes, if my ex comes to town I will probably hang out with him (or make out with him lol) He's my best friend and he knows me better than anyone else. I'm absolutely in love with him still. I simply have no desire to date right now. I'm burned out. I deleted my ask because I was getting hateful things like "Your boyfriend seemed so nice! Why did you break up with him? You're such a whore" and I was like "I'm a whore because I don't want to be in a relationship and need time to focus on myself and make ME happy? Well alrighty then." So there you have it, guys. I'm a whore. I can't help how I feel and I really should not have to explain my feelings to anyone but I wanted to because I know some people are just genuinely confused. I'm just focusing on myself, now. And for the past few days I have actually felt really clear-headed. Someday I really hope my ex and I can rekindle things because after everything I still feel like he's the one I should spend my time loving. I'm just focusing on loving myself and being actually selfish for a change. Thanks to everyone that has supported me since day 1. Any questions may be directed at 101onitgirl@gmail.com

Xoxo

IT girl