Boy troubles. *rolls eyes*

Okay so for months this guy named Jimmy has been trying to take me out and I've been playing hard to get and dodging him because I didn't feel ready to commit myself to someone. He had basically every trait of someone I COULD commit myself to, but for months I just didn't want to. So I replied to his texts asking how my day was and ignored the ones asking if I'd like to have dinner with him. I know, I'm a strange girl. So anyways, months of this nonsense and I got a new number and we got in contact again and he sends a very aggressive (but incredibly suave) "What are you doing tomorrow night? Having drinks with me? Okay good see you at 7." text and I was taken aback by how forward he was. I mean a guy like him is completely ALLOWED to be forward, he's a catch. He's a ninth grade English teacher who's leaving Florida in a year to start law school. He's 24, Greek, incredibly family oriented (And anyone who really knows me knows that's a big deal to me.) I'm not sure if being an English teacher is a product of his sense of humor but WOW he is hilarious. Like so funny that I can't keep his texts to myself, I always catch myself reading them aloud. So I finally stopped messing with poor Jimbo's heart and agreed to go to some fancy schmancy dinner party with him. But the night before this, something happened. Something unexpected. I met someone else. This "someone else" will go by B. Well you guys probably saw my lovey dovey tweets about I met a guy with Cystic Fibrosis and I am able to meet him because he and I have the same CF "bugs" so we can't make each other sick. Things started off simple...truthfully I found him through the #cysticfibrosis hashtag on Instagram and began following him there because he always posted really inspiring things and I just came to enjoy him as an encouraging person. In the "CF community" girls usually develop school girl crushes on guys that have CF. I feel like for some reason, people with CF are more attractive. (Like I'm more attracted to someone with CF for some silly reason.) Well B was my schoolgirl CF crush for months. I mean he didn't even know I existed. I just liked his posts and I never commented because I didn't want to be put in the category with all of the other CF girls that were swooning over him. One day, I got an unexpected message from him on Twitter and to be honest I thought my heart was going to explode. So he's very forward in wanting to talk. He gives me his number and within the first fifteen minutes we are FLIRTING LIKE CRAZY. We just clicked. I've never clicked with someone via text (Rolling my eyes because this is really annoying to me) so easily. At least not someone I have NEVER met. I had no intentions OF meeting until I told him about this wedding I'm going to in June for my dear friend Bianca, who also has CF. We've been "online friends" for SO MANY YEARS. She was my first CF friend, actually. Which is really cool! So B actually offered to be my date to this wedding and seriously we would have been the best couple there. At least I feel that way. The very day after meeting B, I went on a date with Jimmy. Hands down best date I have ever been on and B was a bit jealous because we sort of laid our feelings out there already and then bam, I'm on a date. But we weren't that serious and he didn't act like it really bite red him. I had this date planned anyways. So I actually stopped talking to Jimmy. I blamed it on the fact that he was a horrible texter but I think we all know it was because of B. Anyways, days pass and B and I are getting along well and everything's going all hunky dorey and I actually begin to see a future with him. And that's unusual for me. I actually started WANTING to plan a future with him. So days pass and some things happened I guess between he and I and it was socially tearing on us so he decided we should slow down. Which was okay with me because I totally agree that things were going so fast. I was just crazy about him. But he was so inconsistent with me. Little things pushed us away from each other and I guess that's what happens when you try to have a consistent social relationship with someone you've never met who lives in another state. He just had a major surgery and so he's been healing and we were waiting on that before making any travel plans...but it really didn't take very long for him to suggest that we just be friends and it hurt but I told him that was okay with me. Truthfully I just don't want to give him unnecessary stress. I really just wanted to make him happy and I played an enormous role in pushing him away because I got attached way too easily and way too quickly. I thought I had found this amazing person I never had to worry about judging me about having CF because he knows exactly what I go through. We both do. Truthfully if we lived in the same state, I wouldn't be typing this. I would be where he's at taking care of him and that's really the image I envisioned when it came to he and I. I just...thought I could trust him to take care of me and I could trust myself to take care of him. I thought he was exactly what I needed and I seriously feel like God put him in my life for a reason. Sorry I'm getting all lovey dovey but he really is a remarkable person. So he told me he just wanted to be friends and I told him that was okay with me and I'm not sure what possessed me to contact Jimmy drunkenly, but I did. And we talked and put all of our feelings out on the table and he has a cold right now so I went to his house and made him dinner and got to know him more. This was yesterday. Well B and I had decided on just friends and it was his idea and I feel like he had no problem wanting to be just friends...so why wouldn't I make plans with Jimmy? B found out about these plans and got furious with me...and told me never to talk to him again. And now I'm just hurt and confused because I feel like he doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. I feel hurt because if the roles were reversed I wouldn't be calling him a slut. I would never say anything mean about him, ever. Like I MEANT the sweet things I said about him and I just feel hurt because it's so easy for him to just drag my name through the mud now and if anything I feel relieved that I hung out with Jimmy. If that's how B is going to act even though being just friends was his idea, then that just goes to show his true colors...which I'm really sad about. I mean I felt like God put this wonderful person in my life and then B goes and pulls out the rug right from under my feet and sends me tumbling. So that's where I'm at with guys right now. B doesn't want anything to do with me and I really don't feel like I did anything wrong. It just hurts how mean he can be to me with absolutely zero remorse. :/ and now I'm frustrated with myself because I want to message him and talk to him. I want to talk about things rather than just being mean and spiteful...but on the other hand I guess I should just bite my tongue because he apparently doesn't know how to just be a friend. It's just a messy situation. Of course if he came to me and apologized then I would completely accept it whole heartedly. But I just don't think he even cares enough. He doesn't want to be in my life at all and I guess I'm just going to have to accept that there's nothing I can do about that.

Boy troubles. *rolls eyes*

Okay so for months this guy named Jimmy has been trying to take me out and I've been playing hard to get and dodging him because I didn't feel ready to commit myself to someone. He had basically every trait of someone I COULD commit myself to, but for months I just didn't want to. So I replied to his texts asking how my day was and ignored the ones asking if I'd like to have dinner with him. I know, I'm a strange girl. So anyways, months of this nonsense and I got a new number and we got in contact again and he sends a very aggressive (but incredibly suave) "What are you doing tomorrow night? Having drinks with me? Okay good see you at 7." text and I was taken aback by how forward he was. I mean a guy like him is completely ALLOWED to be forward, he's a catch. He's a ninth grade English teacher who's leaving Florida in a year to start law school. He's 24, Greek, incredibly family oriented (And anyone who really knows me knows that's a big deal to me.) I'm not sure if being an English teacher is a product of his sense of humor but WOW he is hilarious. Like so funny that I can't keep his texts to myself, I always catch him reading them aloud. So I finally stopped messing with poor Jimbo's heart and agreed to go to some fancy schmancy dinner party with him. But the night before this, something happened. Something unexpected. I met someone else. This "someone else" will go by B. Well you guys probably saw my lovey dovey tweets about I met a guy with Cystic Fibrosis and I am able to meet him because he and I have the same CF "bugs" so we can't make each other sick. Things started off simple...truthfully I found him through the #cysticfibrosis hashtag on Instagram and began following him there because he always posted really inspiring things and I just came to enjoy him as en encouraging person. In the "CF community" girls usually develop school girl crushes on guys that have CF. I feel like for some reason, people with CF are more attractive. (Like I'm more attracted to someone with CF for some silly reason.) Well B was my schoolgirl CF crush for months. I mean he didn't even know I existed. I just liked his posts and I never commented because I didn't want to be put in the category with all of the other CF girls that were swooning over him. One day, I got an unexpected message from him on Twitter and to be honest I thought my heart was going to explode. So he's very forward in wanting to talk. He gives me his number and within the first fifteen minutes we are FLIRTING LIKE CRAZY. We just clicked. I've never clicked with someone via text (Rolling my eyes because this is really annoying to me) so easily. At least not someone I have NEVER met. I had no intentions OF meeting until I told him about this wedding I'm going to in June for my dear friend Bianca, who also has CF. We've been "online friends" for SO MANY YEARS. She was my first CF friend, actually. Which is really cool! So B actually offered to be my date to this wedding and seriously we would have been the best couple there. At least I feel that way. The very day after meeting B, I went on a date with Jimmy. Hands down best date I have ever been on and B was a bit jealous because we sort of laid our feelings out there. So I actually stopped talking to Jimmy. I blamed it on the fact that he was a horrible texter but I think we all know it was because of B. Anyways, days pass and B and I are getting along well and everything's going all hunky dorey and I actually begin to see a future with him. And that's unusual for me. I actually started WANTING to plan a future with him. So days pass and some things happened I guess between he and I and it was socially neglecting on us so he decided we should slow down. Which was okay with me because I totally agree that things were going so fast. I was just crazy about him. But he was so inconsistent with me. Little things pushed us away from each other and I guess that's what happens when you try to have a consistent social relationship with someone you've never met who lives in another state. He just had a major surgery and so he's been healing and we were waiting on that before making any travel plans...but it really didn't take very long for him to suggest that we just be friends and it hurt but I told him that was okay with me. Truthfully I just don't want to give him unnecessary stress. I really just wanted to make him happy and I played an enormous role in pushing him away because I got attached way too easily and way too quickly. I thought I had found this amazing person I never had to worry about judging me about having CF because he knows exactly what I go through. We both do. Truthfully if we lived in the same state, I wouldn't be typing this. I would be where he's at taking care of him and that's really the image I envisioned when it came to he and I. I just...thought I could trust him to take care of me and I could trust myself to take care of him. I thought he was exactly what I needed and I seriously feel like God put him in my life for a reason. Sorry I'm getting all lovey dovey but he really is a remarkable person. So he told me he just wanted to be friends and I told him that was okay with me and I'm not sure what possessed me to contact Jimmy drunkenly, but I did. And we talked and put all of our feelings out on the table and he has a cold right now so I went to his house and made him dinner and got to know him more. This was yesterday. Well B and I had decided on just friends and it was his idea and I feel like he had no problem wanting to be just friends...so why wouldn't I make plans with Jimmy? B found out about these plans and got furious with me...and told me never to talk to him again. And now I'm just hurt and confused because I feel like he doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. I feel hurt because if the roles were reversed I wouldn't be calling him a slut. I would never say anything mean about him, ever. Like I MEANT the sweet things I said about him and I just feel hurt because it's so easy for him to just drag my name through the mud now and if anything I feel relieved that I hung out with Jimmy. If that's how B is going to act even though being just friends was his idea, then that just goes to show his true colors...which I'm really sad about. I mean I felt like God put this wonderful person in my life and then B goes and pulls out the rug right from under my feet and sends me tumbling. So that's where I'm at with guys right now. B doesn't want anything to do with me and I really don't feel like I did anything wrong. It just hurts how mean he can be to me with absolutely zero remorse. :/ and now I'm frustrated with myself because I want to message him and talk to him. I want to talk about things rather than just being mean and spiteful...but on the other hand I guess I should just bite my tongue because he apparently doesn't know how to just be a friend. It's just a messy situation. Of course if he came to me and apologized then I would completely accept it whole heartedly. But I just don't think he even cares enough. He doesn't want to be in my life at all and I guess I'm just going to have to accept that there's nothing I can do about that.

Do you fight fair?

Loving someone isn't always as easy as it sounds! In fact, there are times when love simply isn’t enough. That means that even when you really care about someone, the fighting that takes place may not be fair. So if you must fight, how can you do it in a way that is constructive? Why waste a good fight without learning something from it?

Here are some things to remember when you and your guy are having a disagreement.

Anger is just another emotion. In and of itself, it isn't right or wrong. So get in touch with your own feelings first and try to understand what caused the anger in the first place.

Learning to compromise is an essential skill for fair fighting. If you can take a breath and calm down, you may come to the conclusion that neither one of you actually needs to win the fight.

Take a deep breath before you proceed. It might be a good thing to go for a walk or even hop on your bicycle and take a spin around the block before engaging in a discussion. Once your anger has subsided a little, then it will be easier to focus on negotiating.

If you're too tired or your partners too tired, don't insist on having a fight at that time. Sometimes if you sleep on it, the next day the problem doesn't even seem so big.

Try to stick to the subject. Nobody likes to hear things dredged up from the past. That is so counterproductive.

Don't resort to name calling. You know what I'm talking about! Calling your partner a nerd or an ass really doesn't help the situation.

See if you can find something to laugh about. Humor is a terribly underrated quality.

Fighting fair isn't always something that we know how to do without some practice. So, set some ground rules long before that bloody battle begins. If you do, you will stand a much better chance of coming out on the other side with a happy solution.

It's official: I can never leave the house again.

So I met a guy the other day. Isn't that how all my stories start? Oh my gosh. It was about two weeks ago. How we met isn't important and what he's like isn't  important. Nothing will happen between us and that's almost a promise. Although I'll be honest, he's the bees knees. We got to talking and he showed an interest in me and eventually invited me over to hangout. I made sure I made it very clear that I was not looking for a relationship by any means and was only interested in being friends. This was completely okay with him. He actually plays music. Sings and plays the guitar. EXTREMELY talented. Like he's one of those people you just KNOW are going to make it big one day and have a bajillion girls fawning over him. I didn't want to go on and on about him because I have no interest in dating, but I wanted to make it known that if I were to upload his photo on Instagram for man candy Monday and put "Ryan Gosling!" as the caption, no one would notice it isn't Ryan Gosling. Seriously, homeboy is beautiful. My friends and I actually refer to him as Ryan Gosling's stunt double. 

Back to the story. We hung out and he brought me home. We had a fantastic night laughing and joking, talking and just learning more about each other. Well we arrive at my apartment and he gets out of the car. We hug and the hug feels a little more intimate than it should. My brain at this point is like "OH MY GOSH EMOTIONS. ABORT MISSION. ABORT MISSION." And instead of letting go of that a-little-too-long hug, I look up at him and bat my stupid, fabulous eyelashes. Sparks begin to fly and I know what he's about to do. I see him leaning in to plant a big one right on my perfectly glossy lips. I think of a billion excuses. First I think "Okay this lipgloss is from sephora and do I really want to waste some of it on a kiss?"  And the more sensible part of me thought "Reject him, dummy. You're focusing on yourself, remember? Sure he looks like Ryan Gosling and can sing your pants right off, but YOU NEED TIME." So I did what any natural flirt would do. I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him in real close...just as his lips grazed mine, I pulled his face over so I could whisper in his ear "Sorry, I don't kiss guys I just met. If you want to kiss me, you're going to have to make sure you see me again." AND BAM I FELT SO COOL LIKE GO ME GIRL POWER IT WAS AMAZING LIKE WE WERE IN A MOVIE OR SOMETHING. At this point he has this look on his face. (Surprise, awe, lovestruck, impressed, idk.) But I then said "Goodnight!", batted my eyelashes once more, and turned away. He yelled after me "I had a great time tonight!" and I said "Me too! Drive safe." and that was that. Within two minutes I get a text that says "I had a great time tonight!" and I was like "Yeah, I heard you." Lol. We talked a little every day throughout the week. No heavy duty flirting or anything.

Over this week span, I got very sick. (As I mentioned in my previous blog.) Cystic Fibrosis is a progressive disease so as you get older, it gets worse. There's not a thing you can do about it, sadly. My biggest problem lately is that I've had this awful cough. The problem though isn't the cough, it's that it's so frequent and so hard. I'll cough and cough and cough and I won't have time to catch my breath in between sometimes. I know it sounds brutal, but I legitimately begin to choke on my own mucus sometimes. That's CF. It's not pretty. 

Tonight Ryan Gosling's stunt double asked me to come over and just take it easy watching movies. I accepted. There was some cuddling and kissing involved...however we still have no intentions of pursuing after a relationship together. And it was totally innocent kissing. We weren't getting all hot and bothered or anything. I like to keep my first kisses rated PG. So he's holding me and something terrible happens. I cough. I cough again. I cough again, harder, and before I know it I have tears coming from my eyes and I can't breathe. I can't do anything. I can't catch my breath and I'm drowning. Really drowning. He had no idea what to do and he was terrified. I jumped up and ran to his bathroom and stayed in there until it calmed down. It was so scary. I just...couldn't breathe. I don't know how to explain it. I was drowning. When it calmed down, I realized I don't have any control. That CF is absolutely consuming me. That I can't control when I can and cannot breathe. No matter what I do, no matter how much medicine I shove down my throat, no matter how much chest therapy I do. I'm drowning. I come out and I can tell that he's shaken up. I try to reassure him that I'm fine and I know he's still really worried because he keeps asking me every two minutes "Are you sure you're okay?" And he hugged me. Tight. And I could feel it right there like "Wow, he thinks I'm fragile." And I guess I'm just furious because this disease is trying to run me down and ruin my life. It really is. And it's kicking my butt, I have to admit. So he took me home and he turns down the radio after moments of silence and says "I'm not freaked out." I was completely taken aback. He and I talked and he asked questions and I completely opened up and vented. I told him what it was like. How it felt. How frustrating and embarrassing it is. And he just listened. I haven't had someone do that in a very long time.

I have to confess that my ex and I talked just the other night and I tried venting. I mean, who else is better for the job than someone who has sat by my side in hospitals for so long? That has changed my IV's at 5am. Josh took care of me. That's what I was used to. But I realized the other night that not once did he ever ask how I felt emotionally about CF. I mean most people just assume everything is all hunky dorey because I'm so positive about it...but when I tried to vent to him, he said "You just need to take care of yourself. Take more medicine or something. Are you taking vitamins?" And I nearly exploded. I was venting to him, telling him REALLY personal things like "I can feel myself dying" and he asks if I'm taking VITAMINS. Anyways, that was dumb enough to make me lose the desire to talk to him for days so I haven't. 

I know it seems like I'm gushing about Ryan Gosling's stunt double. I'm really not. It just felt nice to vent about my evening and my horribly embarrassing moment. I'm still focusing on myself and so far I have been really happy. (Minus the terminal illness.) 

As always, thanks for reading! 

Xoxo

IT girl 

Time is one thing we simply have no control over.

I find it really hard not to burst into tears every time I sit down and REALLY think about Josh and I. I remember everything...the good and the bad. But for some reason tonight I can't get my mind off  the memory of the first time he called me in basic training. It's probably because we haven't really talked lately and I can't stop thinking about how exciting simply getting a text from him made me and how he literally snuck his phone in basic sometimes just to send a couple texts every day...and now he very rarely texts me. Like today we didn't talk at all. Anyways, the first time he called me in basic was a Friday. His parents invited me to a football game with them. "My soldier" popped up on my phone and I SCREAMED. I couldn't believe how excited I was. I didn't expect it or anything. It felt so, so good to talk. Hearing his voice after days of NOTHING. It was like Heaven. And he cried. And I stayed strong on the phone for him. And I let him know I wasn't going anywhere. I just remember how I felt that night. I was overwhelmed with love and joy because a ten minute phone call made my entire month. I really thought he was the person I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. It's so crazy how much has changed. I have so much resentment and hate built up for the army for taking away the person I love and changing them into this monster I don't know. I want to scream sometimes because I don't understand how someone can make so many promises and then just break them all one day. I don't understand how a person who is a stranger can just walk into your life, sweep you off your feet the way he did me, and then just throw you in the dirt. It was all so real to me and it seriously rips me open from the inside to know that he can even have sex with other girls and feel...nothing. It makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. I'm just so confused, still. And so hurt. I want to get over it all and I just don't know how. I don't know how to NOT miss him...and he thinks this is all just a game. He doesnt realize how I feel. And if he does, he doesn't care. I just feel so stupid...it feels nice to just type this out because I never talk about it from how I completely feel. I just feel like I wasted my life away on something that was only real to me. And I realize that makes me sound like a dumb teenager. But it's not like that at all. I'm not supposed to be alive today. You know? Like I was supposed to be gone by age 8. Cystic Fibrosis was supposed to KILL me and here I am and so insanely blessed. And I just feel like time is so precious. I feel so stupid for wasting it. That's all I know how to say...that I wasted part of my life. It doesn't seem like a big deal but to someone who isn't even supposed to have a long life, it is such a big deal. I'm "healthy" for right now (I mean I've had this terrible cough for months) but that's usually how it goes. And I hate myself every time I get sick because all I can think about is wanting him taking care of me. Wanting him holding my hand through it all. And that is so, so foolish of me. I wish I had never met him. I don't have TIME to waste loving someone that doesn't truly love me back. I don't know how to explain all of how I feel without coming off as overdramatic. I just feel like I'm stuck in an hourglass that is filling up with sand as time passes and I can feel the CF. I can FEEL it every time I cough and I have to catch my breath afterwards. It's hard to BREATHE and it SHOULDNT be. I shouldn't feel frustrated by BREATHING. I shouldn't cough so hard that it literally feels like my lungs aren't going to stay inside of my ribs. I wasted so much time. There's so much more I could have been doing with my life. CF doesn't wait for anyone. It just takes away from you. Everything. And I'm pretty good about not complaining but sometimes I just need to. I can feel my body doing things I don't know how to explain. I'm trying really hard to stay healthy but I have been sick now for months and I just feel so alone. I have no idea what to do. I should be seeing a doctor regularly but I'm not, and I'm dying. It sounds so brutal to say...but I can feel it happening every time I breathe. I'm not saying I'm dying SOON...I'm just saying I can feel it winning. And no one will pay any attention to me if I say that. I feel like I'm drowning in mucus. It's too thick and sticky to cough up and I can just feel it building up and making my lungs feel heavy and my chest feel tight. I'm wheezing every time I breathe and it's so embarrassing. I can't even laugh without breaking out into a cough spell that goes on for minutes. I feel so loud and obnoxious all the time. I hate staying the night with friends because when they start to fall asleep, I cough so loud and it wakes them up. I feel like a burden. I feel like when I cough in the grocery store and do it so fast that my hands don't make it to my mouth in time to cover up, parents with their children give me dirty looks like I'm going to harm their child with my disgusting germs when in reality, their child's germs could be more deadly to me. I'm sick of this invisible disease. I'm sick of looking healthy on the outside (for the most part) but feeling the way I do on the inside. I'm sick of telling someone "I'm sick." And them saying "Well you look fine to me?" Just because I look healthy doesn't mean I am. I hate that no matter how much medicine I take and how many breathing treatments I take, I still feel like I'm breathing through a straw. And I hate knowing the way I feel now, knowing this is the worst I've ever been, and also knowing that because CF is a progressive disease, that I get older it will only get worse. All of my friends with CF are dying in their twenties...and I feel so afraid to get close to any more patients. After Natalie died, I think I decided that I never want to get so close to anyone else with CF ever again. It's just so hard because they're the only ones that understand me. They're...my people. The people I can say all of this stuff to and be 100% understood, and not judged. I don't want to pretend to be okay for everyone else anymore. I want the people I love and even strangers I meet to know just how serious Cystic Fibrosis is, and how easy it can steal the life of someone young. I want to spread awareness so someday Cystic Fibrosis can stand for Cure Found. I don't care if I'm alive to see that day but I do know I need to do whatever it takes to spread awareness NOW. Cystic Fibrosis cannot be invisible anymore. People need to know.

Dating someone when you're not entirely over someone else: TERRIBLE IDEA.

So you and your ex have been broken up for a little while and you really begin to think about trying the whole relationship scene again. So you start to flirt around with a guy or two and eventually end up developing "feelings" because he's being so sweet, he's so witty, and he seems so genuine, plus it's almost like he has everything your ex lacked (and more?) It feels good that you're getting endearing good morning texts again and you two send each other selfies throughout the day and you feel so valued because of his reaction to your selfies. You get all excited when he likes your Instagram photos or posts tweets on twitter you know are about you. The beginning of a relationship is such a sweet phase. But you can't help but constantly think about your ex. At least that's what happened to me. I kept finding myself comparing the guy I was dating to my ex. Sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way that would make me miss my ex. I just didn't even feel the same way about the guy I was dating compared to the feelings I had for my ex. Everything made me miss my ex more. For example, I got sick and I thought I was going to have to be admitted to the hospital. All I could think about was the last time I was admitte to the hospital. Actually for the last two times I was admitted, I was with my ex. The first time I was staying with him at his apartment when he was going to college (way before the army) and I just was having the worst time breathing. He was at work so his roommate took me to the emergency room 2 and a half hours away. (Where I lived) and as soon as my ex got off of work, he drove in a bad storm at 3am and stayed with me the whole time I was in there. Even called into work. He only left once to go do PT for the army. A few times he fell asleep with me in my hospital bed and the nurse would come in and wake him up and make him sleep on the little cot but somehow in the morning I'd wake up to him by my side. The next hospital stay was a bit different. I had been sick for awhile but was too afraid to go to the hospital because I didn't want them to put me in. He was in basic training and there was a lot coming up like family day and his graduation and turning blue ceremony. So I toughed it out (which is really dangerous) I made it to everything. I was so happy I got to be there for it all. But the day I went home from his graduation I had a doctor appointment and they admitted me to the hospital just like I knew they would. This time was different because he had been stationed in Kentucky, 10 hours away. His family mostly came and saw me. More than my family did, actually. I was in for only a week and then my doctor told me I could go home but would have to keep the picc line in my arm and do IVs through it every 6 hours. (I had to go to school with it in. This was my senior year.) I couldn't do the IV medications myself because it was in my right arm and I'm right handed. My parents work schedule made it impossible me for them to do it so Josh's parents offered to let me stay there and for them to do it. My boyfriend came home for a weekend and learned how to do the IV and it was the absolute sweetest thing. I'm smiling as I type this thinking about it. Him waking up at 5am to start my IV. 

Anyways, this was all I could think about. My ex taking care of me. It made me miss him. I really honestly didn't want anyone else taking care of me. 

It got really hard for me on Christmas Day. I didn't get to see my boyfriend. Last Christmas I spent it with my ex and his family and it was really probably the best Christmas I've ever had because I really felt like I had this perfect family that loved me. I'm not used to that. Since Christmas Day we really hadn't been getting along. I feel like he lied about tiny things like falling asleep on me. (Things I would've gotten over if he'd just said "I was tired and fell asleep.) but instead he claimed to be playing video games until 5am for five hours without checking his phone once. (Yeah right.) Anyways, he nagged me a lot and that combined with me really missing my ex and his family just made me realize that I jumped into the relationship too fast. He cared about me more than I cared about him and yes, I feel terrible about that...but it is what it is and I can't help the way I feel.

We only dated a little under two months and sometimes I get these vibes that he really wanted to tell me he loved me and that freaked me out a little because that's something I take really seriously. My ex is the only guy I've ever said that to. I did like him, don't get me wrong...I just wasn't feeling the way that he was. I feel like if you are dating someone and have feelings for your ex, you don't need to be in a relationship. You either need to work on things with your ex or be single. You also shouldn't be with someone you couldn't really see yourself falling in love with, being married to, or having a family with. The reality of a relationship is that you either get married or you break up. Why lead someone on if you don't feel like they're the person you should spend forever with? Maybe I'm thinking about it too deeply but this is a subject I feel strongly about. Anyways, I felt like continuing to date him was unfair to us both because I had all these mixed up and complicated feelings and he wanted something really serious with me. I just wasn't ready. No this doesn't mean I'm going back to my ex. I'm just taking time to myself and enjoying life. Yes, if my ex comes to town I will probably hang out with him (or make out with him lol) He's my best friend and he knows me better than anyone else. I'm absolutely in love with him still. I simply have no desire to date right now. I'm burned out. I deleted my ask because I was getting hateful things like "Your boyfriend seemed so nice! Why did you break up with him? You're such a whore" and I was like "I'm a whore because I don't want to be in a relationship and need time to focus on myself and make ME happy? Well alrighty then." So there you have it, guys. I'm a whore. I can't help how I feel and I really should not have to explain my feelings to anyone but I wanted to because I know some people are just genuinely confused. I'm just focusing on myself, now. And for the past few days I have actually felt really clear-headed. Someday I really hope my ex and I can rekindle things because after everything I still feel like he's the one I should spend my time loving. I'm just focusing on loving myself and being actually selfish for a change. Thanks to everyone that has supported me since day 1. Any questions may be directed at 101onitgirl@gmail.com

Xoxo

IT girl 

Do long distance relationships really work?

Do long distance relationships really work? This question has been asked for many years and no one really seems to know the definitive answer. Some will tell you that long distance relationships never work out, while others will say they are possible. The answer really depends on the couple and how hard they are willing to work at making their relationship last despite any amount of distance between them. So, how do you know if your relationship will pass the test and survive the distance?

Physical Pitfalls
The number one reason why long distance relationships don’t work out is because of the loneliness that comes along with distance. Not only will you be lonely physically, but emotionally, intimately and financially as well. Combined with the loneliness, communication between couples can begin to suffer as anger and resentment begin to develop from the distance. Not to mention, your sexual relationship with your partner is going to be very difficult. But, you can overcome the physical and emotional pitfalls of long distance relationships if you’re open with your partner. Despite the distance, communication is key to a successful long distance relationship. And, you can keep the intimacy with a little creativity.

Trust and Temptation
Other top causes of a failed long distance relationship are trust and temptation. If there’s no trust in your relationship in the first place, don’t even attempt a long distance relationship. While your partner is away, it’s very easy to be tempted by other potential relationships. Many wonder what they are missing out on by committing to a long distance relationship. To overcome this, you need to remain open and honest with your partner. Any secrecy will damage the trust you have with one another and you’re likely to give into temptation. You can’t avoid temptation altogether when in a long distance relationship, but you can learn to deal with it by being open with your partner.

Romance
Even with miles and miles between you, you need to keep the romance in your relationship alive to keep it thriving. If the romance dies, so will your relationship. Yes, it can be hard, but you can keep the romance alive with simple little surprises, such as a handwritten letter or an unexpected visit. By taking the time to reach out to your partner to show them just how much they mean to you, it will get you both through the tough times of not seeing each other.

Distance doesn’t have to be a relationship killer. Your relationship can survive but it won’t be easy. You both need to be committed to each other and to making your relationship work. If your relationship does survive the miles between you, you’ll have a stronger and happier relationship after you’re finally together-- making all of the hard work you put into the relationship worth it in the end.