**I posted this blog months ago but deleted it and saved it as a draft because I felt it was "mean" but quite frankly I see nothing wrong with sharing my past dating experience with y'all. Anyways, some things may be confusing because I wrote it months ago**
I met Josh at a mutual friend's birthday party. I was dating a guy at the time named Chris, who I had met at my church. (At this point, I was really into church.) Well Chris and I didn't date for very long. After my friend's birthday party I had photos on Facebook that I had uploaded from it and tagged my friend in. So Josh commented on the photos and was like ''Why am I not tagged in these!?'' and that is how he came to be my friend on Facebook. After Chris and I had broken up, Josh and I were messaging on Facebook. It was about the fifth message before he was all ''I'm at work so text me.'' and threw his number out to me. I was absolutely smitten by him at first. He was such a sweet talker and it felt nice. Honestly, I wasn't over my previous relationship when I started talking to Josh. It didn't last long but it ended badly and I was mostly sad that I had lost my friend all because I made him more than that. So being flirted with felt remarkable. I was in 11th grade at the time, it was in the middle of the year. A DUMB 11TH GRADER, I'LL ADD. At the time he was going to college about an hour away from me. We started liking each other and blah blah blah, I'll skip that part.
Our relationship was wonderful...but I want to skip to the night that he told me he loved me and this will just go to show what a dumb, dumb girl I was.
My mom did not like Josh at first. She felt like he made me act too different, and she was right. I changed a lot when we began dating. I started acting more rebellious. For the most part, I was really good. I was the only person in my whole family who was active in church and while all of my friends were out partying and drinking and getting knocked up in high school, I was more of...a geek. Honestly. It's embarrassing, but whatever. I never said I love you to any of my boyfriends. I was in a relationship with a guy named Trevor that only lasted six months in tenth grade because he told me he loved me and it freaked me out. I broke up with him after he told me that. I know, I'm mean...
Well I went and stayed with Josh in his apartment where he was going to college at. We went to a house party. I wasn't much of a party girl or anything so I remember sitting in the kitchen sipping on the absolute nastiest beer ever. I am tiny so I am a lightweight. I was buzzed when what I'm about to tell you guys happened...happened.
I went to the bathroom and left my phone on the counter...when I came back it was gone. Josh was in another room so I went in there and got his phone to call mine. I couldn't find it anywhere. I figured one of his friends took it as a joke so I went to go text it and say ''Please be nice and give the phone you have back.'' and a message popped up, instead. It was from a girl named Rachel. He had deleted the thread of messages so I could only read what looked like her sending him a provocative photo and him encouraging her to do so. He was complimenting her body and telling her that any guy would be stupid to let her go. His exact words were ''You make it hard to remain faithful to an amazing girl.'' inferring that I'm amazing but she's so amazing that he makes it hard to stay faithful to me. I felt this pang in my chest...I felt so...betrayed. Words can't express how deeply I'm affected still by the things he said to her. I felt ugly, worthless, and not good enough. He walked into the kitchen where I was and handed me my phone. Of course, him and his friend had taken it so I would get off of Twitter. (Go figure.)
I handed him his phone and my eyes were about to spew over with tears and I didn't want to cry in front of a kitchen full of people so I stood up like a lady and walked into a room. A drunk girl came in there and I was BAWLING. So I was like ''No, please don't say anything!'' and of course, she goes and gets Josh and he comes in there. At this point, I'm feeling like crap because I had been drinking and my buzz was turning into more than that and I was not used to alcohol at all. So I start blurting out how angry I am and I'm all ''TAKE ME HOME, NOW. TAKE ME BACK TO MY MOM'S.'' and I'm legitimately so hurt and furious. Well, we left the house party. I had to get inside of the trunk of the car because I didn't have my I.D on me at the time and the complex he was in required I.D to enter. So he smuggled me in. Anyways, he had pulled over so I could get in and we had a scene on the side of the road because he was on his knees begging me to forgive him and I was just telling him how done I was and screaming at him how angry I was and how betrayed I felt. So we were causing a scene so I just got in the trunk and he was driving with the music blaring. He didn't really I could hear his ''I'm sorry's'' from the trunk of his Honda...but I could. But it wasn't his apologizes that stuck out. It was him blurting out ''I love you.'' It dawned on my from the trunk of his car that the reason why I felt so hurt, betrayed, and cheated on...was because I loved him. I figured he was just saying that because he was alcohol induced and telling me what he probably thought I wanted to hear so once we got back to his apartment, I didn't say a word for HOURS. Then I finally said ''You love me?'' and he was shocked because he did not think I heard him. I then said ''If you really love me, Josh...tell me in the morning.'' and I left it at that and went to bed. No cuddling, spooning, nothing.
The next morning the first thing he said to me was ''I love you.'' and I hesitated awhile and then I said it back. His excuse for encouraging whore Rachel's sleazy texts were ''We weren't getting along.'' which wasn't really an excuse. I asked more about her, who she was, why they were texting...and apparently they had a fling when he lived in another town in Florida. I told him I would only stay with him if they didn't talk, anymore. So he told me he'd stop talking to her after I thoroughly stalked their messages and made myself all kinds of upset all over again.
Another incident was on his 21st birthday. Kat, my best friend who lives in Germany, was in America with me visiting. (We take turns. I'll go to Germany and then she'll come to America. It's my turn to go there in December.) Well this girl swung by his place and he didn't even introduce me. They played beer pong, and when she left she texted him and he deleted the texts but I saw some of them and of course, more flirting. LET'S JUST KEEP IN MIND THAT I DID NOT EVEN TALK TO GUYS. ONLY HIM. #faithfulgirlforthewin So that was another thing I was upset over but eventually got over, because he told me she liked his roommate, which probably wasn't even true but whatevs.
**Another big problem I had with him was this obsession he has with looking at porn. One day I went on his web browser to look something up because my phone died and in the recent google searches, some porn website popped up. I don't know everyone's opinion on porn, but let me tell you guys how I feel. When you are in a relationship, you shouldn't be looking at that stuff. Personally I wouldn't look at it no matter what my relationship status is. But when you're in a relationship, why do you think it would be okay to lust after another girl? And quite frankly I think it's fifty shades of creepy as furk to be turned on by two people having sexy time. But that's just me. I'm not going to compete with porn for attention. That's absolutely ridiculous. There was been several times that I have caught him looking up that disgusting crap on his phone and me being the person that I am, disregarded my pain and said things like "I want to help you." when stuff like that happened, because he made it seem like it was some disease that he's struggling with. And sure, it may be...but I felt not good enough for him. And it wasn't fun...
Anyways, he kept talking to girls and oneday this guy started messaging me on Facebook and I became friends with him. ALL OF THIS was before my anon account, lol Anyways...Josh was all jealous and stuff because the guy was fond of me and it was very obvious. I was all ''Well if you have girl friends, I can have guy friends also.'' and one night after an FSU (Best team ever...) game, I told Josh I was going home and going to sleep. Which at the time was true. Until this girl called me and was like ''I'm coming to pick you up, we're riding around and drinking and we have a DD.) So I got up and went. I never did things like that so it was really exciting. I got disgustingly drunk and the guy friend (who was with us) let me crash on his couch. Was TOTALLY respectful. Didn't try anything with me or anything so kudos to him. The next day was my mom's birthday and all she knew was she had gotten a text at 3am from my guy friend letting my mom know I was there and that I had a little too much to drink. (Just making her aware of the current situation.) and my mom freaked out and called the cops. (Because she didn't know if I was okay, who had me, or what.) and she called Josh and his parent's looking for me...so Josh found out I had went out and got trashy drunk and broke up with me. Five minutes later he called me apologizing and telling me he didn't want to break up and I was like ''Naw nigga bye.'' (Obviously I didn't say that but I said something close to it.)
We ended up getting over that and he made me promise him that we would only drink from then on out with each other...no matter what. So we made that decision.
He went to basic for the army and blah blah blah. Ya'll probably remember that he came home from basic for two whole weeks in December for Christmas and New Years. Well while he was here TRAMPY RACHEL messaged him on Facebook with her Merry Christmas B.S (That skank.) and he let me know that she messaged him and I let him know that I did not like that whore and if he talked to that whore, hasta la vista beeyotch. So he said ''Okay I will delete her.'' and it was not until after he left back to basic that I found messages on Facebook.
REAL QUICKLY LADIES I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU, TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DO NOT KNOW. You can never totally delete a message on Facebook. Once it is ''deleted'' it goes to the folder listed ''Archived'' and you can click on that nifty little box and see every message ever deleted. HAPPY CREEPIN'.
So there I was, looking at a message on Facebook where he said something along the lines of ''Please do not reply to this. My girlfriend does not want us talking. I really, really miss you. Please write to me.'' and he then proceeded to give her his address so she could write to him in basic. I called his mom after reading that and let her know that I would not be going to family day, which was the following week, and told her what had happened. I was really, really close to his family at this point. I was a mess because I wanted to talk to him about the message and could not do a thing about it. I was so helpless. I wrote him a really nice letter, rather than a mean one. I packed it full of encouraging Bible verses and let him know at the end that I knew about the message to Rachel. I was upset but I didn't want to stress him out...so I kept calm in the letter even though on the outside, I was falling apart. I was sick because I stopped eating from being so stressed out and not eating right really takes a toll on a regular person's body so imagine what it can do to someone with Cystic Fibrosis.
I finally spoke with him...bawled...let him know how hurt I was. And I ended up going to his family day. On my way to Fort Benning, GA, where he was at...he texted me and let me know Rachel had written to him. (KIFJKIFJISEJEI STUPID WHORE.) and I asked him what it said. He told me he was not going to read it, that he was going to give it to me. He made it seem like he was really, really turning a new leaf. It felt good but I still felt uneasy. Anyways, he's dumb and totally forgot to get it from where he stayed before he came and spent family day with us so I was bummed out about that and later he ended up sending it to me in the mail. I was pleased to find what it said and decided maybe I didn't hate Rachel afterall, because the letter was really respectful to ME. (Even if my boyfriend WASN'T.) So I got over my obsession with this girl talking to my guy. I obviously didn't want them talking but I was happy that was the end...(Or so I thought.)
Anyways, he graduated from basic and everything was fantastic. La la la. Then the day he went to his duty station in Kentucky, he texted me asking if it would be okay if he drank. LOL. I was like ''Can I drink?'' and his response was ''No.'' and I was like ''Okay homie, you can't either, then. Whatevs.'' and he apparently really wanted to drink because he was like ''Fine, you can drink.'' and I was like ''Wow is drinking really THAT important to you?'' What in the actual F word, right?! So he was all ''Okay baby I wont drink I love you'' blah blah blah, shove it up your anus.
I was THE best girlfriend ever. Stupid and gullible, but seriously faithful.
For our 1 year I got together with a friend of his he made in the army and schemed. (I feel proud typing this because I did this so awesomely.) He had no idea that I was coming up there. I had the plane ticket for weeks and he had no idea. I kept it all to myself and only my closet friends and my whole family knew. His, however, did not. (I knew they'd try to make me not go.) So I had his friend pick me up from the airport and I went and surprised him for our 1 year! SUPER EXCITING! Until I got to his barracks and saw all the beer bottles. So he had been drinking the whole time...so that created an even bigger trust problem. Anyways, the time there was wonderful and blah blah blah.
Most of this blog is just me telling you guys what happened to us. It was a lot of me trusting him too much and him taking it for granted. Going to bars, talking to girls...being in a long distance relationship is hard if you don't trust the person you're with. I began to go out and drink as well, just because he was. And honestly, that's not the kind of person I am at all. I just knew that he was to the point where he didn't care what I did. I mean, he would get mad at me for drinking...and that's what our relationship became. It became him being dishonest about stupid things, me doing things just to get a rise out of him because it felt nice for him to act like he cared...even if it was just out of anger. That's what happened to us. We fell apart. He was in the military around all those guys who treat their girls like crap...and he started doing it, too. He started cussing at me, too...and I don't cuss. So that really hurt. I found out a few weekends ago that he had a ton of dating accounts while we were still dating. So that just added to it all. I'm not trying to make him look like a bad person, honestly, I'm above that. But so many of you are so curious about what happened between what used to be the ''IT couple'' and this is it. He changed. He isn't the person I fell in love with anymore. And that's very, very sad. I was so proud of him while he was in basic and I recently realized that the reason I was so proud was because he COULDNT do anything in there, it was like prison.
Ya'll remember me going there very recently to ''fix things''...well, on the way to Tennessee, he got a text from Rachel so I found out he was still talking to her...even though he was trying to fix things with me. Random things would happen...like I'd find a revealing photo in his phone that he put on the dating sites and it just got to me because I didn't want anyone to get to see what was mine...even though he wasn't really mine. He hadn't fully been mine in awhile...because he'd rather party and fool around with other girls.
It's sad how he began treating me around his army friends because the friends there will not be his friends years from now. He will move to a new duty station or get out of the army. They will all go their separate ways. I wanted more than life to spend all of mine with him...and at one point, he wanted that too...but he was exposed to his true self while he was in the military. A coward. A liar. All he does is lie...to everyone. Especially to the people that love him. There's so much he has lied to his family about and I'm sure I don't even know everything he has lied to me about. So there you guys have it...blue skies turned to storms.
I know it's harsh...but I've tried to reach out to him and talk to him about how he has been but he won't listen to me and he won't listen to his family. He's doing his own thing now...and he has pushed away everyone who cares about him. Just the other day he texted me all upset because he realized how badly he has messed up his life. Now he's just acting like he's fine and dandy, having a good time. He doesn't realize that if he keeps acting the way he is acting, he's going to end up alone in life.
I doubt he's going to find someone who will put up with all of the crap I put up with from him. It's time to grow up. I'm letting go.
I'm hurt...but I genuinely hope someday he finds someone who makes him truly happy.
Anyways, he kept talking to girls and oneday this guy started messaging me on Facebook and I became friends with him. ALL OF THIS was before my anon account, lol Anyways...Josh was all jealous and stuff because the guy was fond of me and it was very obvious. I was all ''Well if you have girl friends, I can have guy friends also.'' and one night after an FSU (Best team ever...) game, I told Josh I was going home and going to sleep. Which at the time was true. Until this girl called me and was like ''I'm coming to pick you up, we're riding around and drinking and we have a DD.) So I got up and went. I never did things like that so it was really exciting. I got disgustingly drunk and the guy friend (who was with us) let me crash on his couch. Was TOTALLY respectful. Didn't try anything with me or anything so kudos to him. The next day was my mom's birthday and all she knew was she had gotten a text at 3am from my guy friend letting my mom know I was there and that I had a little too much to drink. (Just making her aware of the current situation.) and my mom freaked out and called the cops. (Because she didn't know if I was okay, who had me, or what.) and she called Josh and his parent's looking for me...so Josh found out I had went out and got trashy drunk and broke up with me. Five minutes later he called me apologizing and telling me he didn't want to break up and I was like ''Naw nigga bye.'' (Obviously I didn't say that but I said something close to it.)
We ended up getting over that and he made me promise him that we would only drink from then on out with each other...no matter what. So we made that decision.
He went to basic for the army and blah blah blah. Ya'll probably remember that he came home from basic for two whole weeks in December for Christmas and New Years. Well while he was here TRAMPY RACHEL messaged him on Facebook with her Merry Christmas B.S (That skank.) and he let me know that she messaged him and I let him know that I did not like that whore and if he talked to that whore, hasta la vista beeyotch. So he said ''Okay I will delete her.'' and it was not until after he left back to basic that I found messages on Facebook.
REAL QUICKLY LADIES I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU, TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DO NOT KNOW. You can never totally delete a message on Facebook. Once it is ''deleted'' it goes to the folder listed ''Archived'' and you can click on that nifty little box and see every message ever deleted. HAPPY CREEPIN'.
So there I was, looking at a message on Facebook where he said something along the lines of ''Please do not reply to this. My girlfriend does not want us talking. I really, really miss you. Please write to me.'' and he then proceeded to give her his address so she could write to him in basic. I called his mom after reading that and let her know that I would not be going to family day, which was the following week, and told her what had happened. I was really, really close to his family at this point. I was a mess because I wanted to talk to him about the message and could not do a thing about it. I was so helpless. I wrote him a really nice letter, rather than a mean one. I packed it full of encouraging Bible verses and let him know at the end that I knew about the message to Rachel. I was upset but I didn't want to stress him out...so I kept calm in the letter even though on the outside, I was falling apart. I was sick because I stopped eating from being so stressed out and not eating right really takes a toll on a regular person's body so imagine what it can do to someone with Cystic Fibrosis.
I finally spoke with him...bawled...let him know how hurt I was. And I ended up going to his family day. On my way to Fort Benning, GA, where he was at...he texted me and let me know Rachel had written to him. (KIFJKIFJISEJEI STUPID WHORE.) and I asked him what it said. He told me he was not going to read it, that he was going to give it to me. He made it seem like he was really, really turning a new leaf. It felt good but I still felt uneasy. Anyways, he's dumb and totally forgot to get it from where he stayed before he came and spent family day with us so I was bummed out about that and later he ended up sending it to me in the mail. I was pleased to find what it said and decided maybe I didn't hate Rachel afterall, because the letter was really respectful to ME. (Even if my boyfriend WASN'T.) So I got over my obsession with this girl talking to my guy. I obviously didn't want them talking but I was happy that was the end...(Or so I thought.)
Anyways, he graduated from basic and everything was fantastic. La la la. Then the day he went to his duty station in Kentucky, he texted me asking if it would be okay if he drank. LOL. I was like ''Can I drink?'' and his response was ''No.'' and I was like ''Okay homie, you can't either, then. Whatevs.'' and he apparently really wanted to drink because he was like ''Fine, you can drink.'' and I was like ''Wow is drinking really THAT important to you?'' What in the actual F word, right?! So he was all ''Okay baby I wont drink I love you'' blah blah blah, shove it up your anus.
I was THE best girlfriend ever. Stupid and gullible, but seriously faithful.
For our 1 year I got together with a friend of his he made in the army and schemed. (I feel proud typing this because I did this so awesomely.) He had no idea that I was coming up there. I had the plane ticket for weeks and he had no idea. I kept it all to myself and only my closet friends and my whole family knew. His, however, did not. (I knew they'd try to make me not go.) So I had his friend pick me up from the airport and I went and surprised him for our 1 year! SUPER EXCITING! Until I got to his barracks and saw all the beer bottles. So he had been drinking the whole time...so that created an even bigger trust problem. Anyways, the time there was wonderful and blah blah blah.
Most of this blog is just me telling you guys what happened to us. It was a lot of me trusting him too much and him taking it for granted. Going to bars, talking to girls...being in a long distance relationship is hard if you don't trust the person you're with. I began to go out and drink as well, just because he was. And honestly, that's not the kind of person I am at all. I just knew that he was to the point where he didn't care what I did. I mean, he would get mad at me for drinking...and that's what our relationship became. It became him being dishonest about stupid things, me doing things just to get a rise out of him because it felt nice for him to act like he cared...even if it was just out of anger. That's what happened to us. We fell apart. He was in the military around all those guys who treat their girls like crap...and he started doing it, too. He started cussing at me, too...and I don't cuss. So that really hurt. I found out a few weekends ago that he had a ton of dating accounts while we were still dating. So that just added to it all. I'm not trying to make him look like a bad person, honestly, I'm above that. But so many of you are so curious about what happened between what used to be the ''IT couple'' and this is it. He changed. He isn't the person I fell in love with anymore. And that's very, very sad. I was so proud of him while he was in basic and I recently realized that the reason I was so proud was because he COULDNT do anything in there, it was like prison.
Ya'll remember me going there very recently to ''fix things''...well, on the way to Tennessee, he got a text from Rachel so I found out he was still talking to her...even though he was trying to fix things with me. Random things would happen...like I'd find a revealing photo in his phone that he put on the dating sites and it just got to me because I didn't want anyone to get to see what was mine...even though he wasn't really mine. He hadn't fully been mine in awhile...because he'd rather party and fool around with other girls.
It's sad how he began treating me around his army friends because the friends there will not be his friends years from now. He will move to a new duty station or get out of the army. They will all go their separate ways. I wanted more than life to spend all of mine with him...and at one point, he wanted that too...but he was exposed to his true self while he was in the military. A coward. A liar. All he does is lie...to everyone. Especially to the people that love him. There's so much he has lied to his family about and I'm sure I don't even know everything he has lied to me about. So there you guys have it...blue skies turned to storms.
I know it's harsh...but I've tried to reach out to him and talk to him about how he has been but he won't listen to me and he won't listen to his family. He's doing his own thing now...and he has pushed away everyone who cares about him. Just the other day he texted me all upset because he realized how badly he has messed up his life. Now he's just acting like he's fine and dandy, having a good time. He doesn't realize that if he keeps acting the way he is acting, he's going to end up alone in life.
I doubt he's going to find someone who will put up with all of the crap I put up with from him. It's time to grow up. I'm letting go.
I'm hurt...but I genuinely hope someday he finds someone who makes him truly happy.
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Okay. I deleted this blog because I felt like it was "disrespectful" and "low" but honestly, he doesn't deserve respect and I deserve some sort of outlet...and this is it.
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