Testimony of being in the most destructive relationship of my life. (**Revised**)

**I posted this blog months ago but deleted it and saved it as a draft because I felt it was "mean" but quite frankly I see nothing wrong with sharing my past dating experience with y'all. Anyways, some things may be confusing because I wrote it months ago**

Here I am, listening to the relationship professional herself...Taylor Swift (obviously I'm joking) and I just have this incessant need to type out my past relationship. I may summarize it...I may type a novel. Right now, I'm not really sure how I'm feeling. I just know the moment my fingers touched this keyboard, I began to feel immensely better. We're DONE so I don't see why you guys can't know his name...and some of you do know it. Anyways, my ex's name is Joshua. We'll call him Josh here, now, because I only call him by his full name in an endearing way...I'm currently not feeling very endearing. Clearly. Usually I make a rough draft of what I blog about...usually I have nifty little bullets and a direction. This blog will have no direction, I am simply venting. So I apologize in advance if it's messy...which it will be.

I met Josh at a mutual friend's birthday party. I was dating a guy at the time named Chris, who I had met at my church. (At this point, I was really into church.) Well Chris and I didn't date for very long. After my friend's birthday party I had photos on Facebook that I had uploaded from it and tagged my friend in. So Josh commented on the photos and was like ''Why am I not tagged in these!?'' and that is how he came to be my friend on Facebook. After Chris and I had broken up, Josh and I were messaging on Facebook. It was about the fifth message before he was all ''I'm at work so text me.'' and threw his number out to me. I was absolutely smitten by him at first. He was such a sweet talker and it felt nice. Honestly, I wasn't over my previous relationship when I started talking to Josh. It didn't last long but it ended badly and I was mostly sad that I had lost my friend all because I made him more than that. So being flirted with felt remarkable. I was in 11th grade at the time, it was in the middle of the year. A DUMB 11TH GRADER, I'LL ADD. At the time he was going to college about an hour away from me. We started liking each other and blah blah blah, I'll skip that part.

Our relationship was wonderful...but I want to skip to the night that he told me he loved me and this will just go to show what a dumb, dumb girl I was.

My mom did not like Josh at first. She felt like he made me act too different, and she was right. I changed a lot when we began dating. I started acting more rebellious. For the most part, I was really good. I was the only person in my whole family who was active in church and while all of my friends were out partying and drinking and getting knocked up in high school, I was more of...a geek. Honestly. It's embarrassing, but whatever. I never said I love you to any of my boyfriends. I was in a relationship with a guy named Trevor that only lasted six months in tenth grade because he told me he loved me and it freaked me out. I broke up with him after he told me that. I know, I'm mean...

Well I went and stayed with Josh in his apartment where he was going to college at. We went to a house party. I wasn't much of a party girl or anything so I remember sitting in the kitchen sipping on the absolute nastiest beer ever. I am tiny so I am a lightweight. I was buzzed when what I'm about to tell you guys happened...happened.

I went to the bathroom and left my phone on the counter...when I came back it was gone. Josh was in another room so I went in there and got his phone to call mine. I couldn't find it anywhere. I figured one of his friends took it as a joke so I went to go text it and say ''Please be nice and give the phone you have back.'' and a message popped up, instead. It was from a girl named Rachel. He had deleted the thread of messages so I could only read what looked like her sending him a provocative photo and him encouraging her to do so. He was complimenting her body and telling her that any guy would be stupid to let her go. His exact words were ''You make it hard to remain faithful to an amazing girl.'' inferring that I'm amazing but she's so amazing that he makes it hard to stay faithful to me. I felt this pang in my chest...I felt so...betrayed. Words can't express how deeply I'm affected still by the things he said to her. I felt ugly, worthless, and not good enough. He walked into the kitchen where I was and handed me my phone. Of course, him and his friend had taken it so I would get off of Twitter. (Go figure.)

I handed him his phone and my eyes were about to spew over with tears and I didn't want to cry in front of a kitchen full of people so I stood up like a lady and walked into a room. A drunk girl came in there and I was BAWLING. So I was like ''No, please don't say anything!'' and of course, she goes and gets Josh and he comes in there. At this point, I'm feeling like crap because I had been drinking and my buzz was turning into more than that and I was not used to alcohol at all. So I start blurting out how angry I am and I'm all ''TAKE ME HOME, NOW. TAKE ME BACK TO MY MOM'S.'' and I'm legitimately so hurt and furious. Well, we left the house party. I had to get inside of the trunk of the car because I didn't have my I.D on me at the time and the complex he was in required I.D to enter. So he smuggled me in. Anyways, he had pulled over so I could get in and we had a scene on the side of the road because he was on his knees begging me to forgive him and I was just telling him how done I was and screaming at him how angry I was and how betrayed I felt. So we were causing a scene so I just got in the trunk and he was driving with the music blaring. He didn't really I could hear his ''I'm sorry's'' from the trunk of his Honda...but I could. But it wasn't his apologizes that stuck out. It was him blurting out ''I love you.'' It dawned on my from the trunk of his car that the reason why I felt so hurt, betrayed, and cheated on...was because I loved him. I figured he was just saying that because he was alcohol induced and telling me what he probably thought I wanted to hear so once we got back to his apartment, I didn't say a word for HOURS. Then I finally said ''You love me?'' and he was shocked because he did not think I heard him. I then said ''If you really love me, Josh...tell me in the morning.'' and I left it at that and went to bed. No cuddling, spooning, nothing.

The next morning the first thing he said to me was ''I love you.'' and I hesitated awhile and then I said it back. His excuse for encouraging whore Rachel's sleazy texts were ''We weren't getting along.'' which wasn't really an excuse. I asked more about her, who she was, why they were texting...and apparently they had a fling when he lived in another town in Florida. I told him I would only stay with him if they didn't talk, anymore. So he told me he'd stop talking to her after I thoroughly stalked their messages and made myself all kinds of upset all over again.

Another incident was on his 21st birthday. Kat, my best friend who lives in Germany, was in America with me visiting. (We take turns. I'll go to Germany and then she'll come to America. It's my turn to go there in December.) Well this girl swung by his place and he didn't even introduce me. They played beer pong, and when she left she texted him and he deleted the texts but I saw some of them and of course, more flirting. LET'S JUST KEEP IN MIND THAT I DID NOT EVEN TALK TO GUYS. ONLY HIM. #faithfulgirlforthewin So that was another thing I was upset over but eventually got over, because he told me she liked his roommate, which probably wasn't even true but whatevs. 

**Another big problem I had with him was this obsession he has with looking at porn. One day I went on his web browser to look something up because my phone died and in the recent google searches, some porn website popped up. I don't know everyone's opinion on porn, but let me tell you guys how I feel. When you are in a relationship, you shouldn't be looking at that stuff. Personally I wouldn't look at it no matter what my relationship status is. But when you're in a relationship, why do you think it would be okay to lust after another girl? And quite frankly I think it's fifty shades of creepy as furk to be turned on by two people having sexy time. But that's just me. I'm not going to compete with porn for attention. That's absolutely ridiculous. There was been several times that I have caught him looking up that disgusting crap on his phone and me being the person that I am, disregarded my pain and said things like "I want to help you." when stuff like that happened, because he made it seem like it was some disease that he's struggling with. And sure, it may be...but I felt not good enough for him. And it wasn't fun...

Anyways, he kept talking to girls and oneday this guy started messaging me on Facebook and I became friends with him. ALL OF THIS was before my anon account, lol Anyways...Josh was all jealous and stuff because the guy was fond of me and it was very obvious. I was all ''Well if you have girl friends, I can have guy friends also.'' and one night after an FSU (Best team ever...) game, I told Josh I was going home and going to sleep. Which at the time was true. Until this girl called me and was like ''I'm coming to pick you up, we're riding around and drinking and we have a DD.) So I got up and went. I never did things like that so it was really exciting. I got disgustingly drunk and the guy friend (who was with us) let me crash on his couch. Was TOTALLY respectful. Didn't try anything with  me or anything so kudos to him. The next day was my mom's birthday and all she knew was she had gotten a text at 3am from my guy friend letting my mom know I was there and that I had a little too much to drink. (Just making her aware of the current situation.) and my mom freaked out and called the cops. (Because she didn't know if I was okay, who had me, or what.) and she called Josh and his parent's looking for me...so Josh found out I had went out and got trashy drunk and broke up with me. Five minutes later he called me apologizing and telling me he didn't want to break up and I was like ''Naw nigga bye.'' (Obviously I didn't say that but I said something close to it.)

We ended up getting over that and he made me promise him that we would only drink from then on out with each other...no matter what. So we made that decision.

He went to basic for the army and blah blah blah. Ya'll probably remember that he came home from basic for two whole weeks in December for Christmas and New Years. Well while he was here TRAMPY RACHEL messaged him on Facebook with her Merry Christmas B.S (That skank.) and he let me know that she messaged him and I let him know that I did not like that whore and if he talked to that whore, hasta la vista beeyotch. So he said ''Okay I will delete her.'' and it was not until after he left back to basic that I found messages on Facebook.

REAL QUICKLY LADIES I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU, TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DO NOT KNOW. You can never totally delete a message on Facebook. Once it is ''deleted'' it goes to the folder listed ''Archived'' and you can click on that nifty little box and see every message ever deleted. HAPPY CREEPIN'.

So there I was, looking at a message on Facebook where he said something along the lines of  ''Please do not reply to this. My girlfriend does not want us talking. I really, really miss you. Please write to me.'' and he then proceeded to give her his address so she could write to him in basic. I called his mom after reading that and let her know that I would not be going to family day, which was the following week, and told her what had happened. I was really, really close to his family at this point. I was a mess because I wanted to talk to him about the message and could not do a thing about it. I was so helpless. I wrote him a really nice letter, rather than a mean one. I packed it full of encouraging Bible verses and let him know at the end that I knew about the message to Rachel. I was upset but I didn't want to stress him out...so I kept calm in the letter even though on the outside, I was falling apart. I was sick because I stopped eating from being so stressed out and not eating right really takes a toll on a regular person's body so imagine what it can do to someone with Cystic Fibrosis.

I finally spoke with him...bawled...let him know how hurt I was. And I ended up going to his family day. On my way to Fort Benning, GA, where he was at...he texted me and let me know Rachel had written to him. (KIFJKIFJISEJEI STUPID WHORE.) and I asked him what it said. He told me he was not going to read it, that he was going to give it to me. He made it seem like he was really, really turning a new leaf. It felt good but I still felt uneasy. Anyways, he's dumb and totally forgot to get it from where he stayed before he came and spent family day with us so I was bummed out about that and later he ended up sending it to me in the mail. I was pleased to find what it said and decided maybe I didn't hate Rachel afterall, because the letter was really respectful to ME. (Even if my boyfriend WASN'T.) So I got over my obsession with this girl talking to my guy. I obviously didn't want them talking but I was happy that was the end...(Or so I thought.)

Anyways, he graduated from basic and everything was fantastic. La la la. Then the day he went to his duty station in Kentucky, he texted me asking if it would be okay if he drank. LOL. I was like ''Can I drink?'' and his response was ''No.'' and I was like ''Okay homie, you can't either, then. Whatevs.'' and he apparently really wanted to drink because he was like ''Fine, you can drink.'' and I was like ''Wow is drinking really THAT important to you?'' What in the actual F word, right?! So he was all ''Okay baby I wont drink I love you'' blah blah blah, shove it up your anus.

I was THE best girlfriend ever. Stupid and gullible, but seriously faithful.

For our 1 year I got together with a friend of his he made in the army and schemed. (I feel proud typing this because I did this so awesomely.) He had no idea that I was coming up there. I had the plane ticket for weeks and he had no idea. I kept it all to myself and only my closet friends and my whole family knew. His, however, did not. (I knew they'd try to make me not go.) So I had his friend pick me up from the airport and I went and surprised him for our 1 year! SUPER EXCITING! Until I got to his barracks and saw all the beer bottles. So he had been drinking the whole time...so that created an even bigger trust problem. Anyways, the time there was wonderful and blah blah blah.

Most of this blog is just me telling you guys what happened to us. It was a lot of me trusting him too much and him taking it for granted. Going to bars, talking to girls...being in a long distance relationship is hard if you don't trust the person you're with. I began to go out and drink as well, just because he was. And honestly, that's not the kind of person I am at all. I just knew that he was to the point where he didn't care what I did. I mean, he would get mad at me for drinking...and that's what our relationship became. It became him being dishonest about stupid things, me doing things just to get a rise out of him because it felt nice for him to act like he cared...even if it was just out of anger. That's what happened to us. We fell apart. He was in the military around all those guys who treat their girls like crap...and he started doing it, too. He started cussing at me, too...and I don't cuss. So that really hurt. I found out a few weekends ago that he had a ton of dating accounts while we were still dating. So that just added to it all. I'm not trying to make him look like a bad person, honestly, I'm above that. But so many of you are so curious about what happened between what used to be the ''IT couple'' and this is it. He changed. He isn't the person I fell in love with anymore. And that's very, very sad. I was so proud of him while he was in basic and I recently realized that the reason I was so proud was because he COULDNT do anything in there, it was like prison.

Ya'll remember me going there very recently to ''fix things''...well, on the way to Tennessee, he got a text from Rachel so I found out he was still talking to her...even though he was trying to fix things with me. Random things would happen...like I'd find a revealing photo in his phone that he put on the dating sites and it just got to me because I didn't want anyone to get to see what was mine...even though he wasn't really mine. He hadn't fully been mine in awhile...because he'd rather party and fool around with other girls.

It's sad how he began treating me around his army friends because the friends there will not be his friends years from now. He will move to a new duty station or get out of the army. They will all go their separate ways. I wanted more than life to spend all of mine with him...and at one point, he wanted that too...but he was exposed to his true self while he was in the military. A coward.  A liar. All he does is lie...to everyone. Especially to the people that love him. There's so much he has lied to his family about and I'm sure I don't even know everything he has lied to me about. So there you guys have it...blue skies turned to storms.

I know it's harsh...but I've tried to reach out to him and talk to him about how he has been but he won't listen to me and he won't listen to his family. He's doing his own thing now...and he has pushed away everyone who cares about him. Just the other day he texted me all upset because he realized how badly he has messed up his life. Now he's just acting like he's fine and dandy, having a good time. He doesn't realize that if he keeps acting the way he is acting, he's going to end up alone in life.

I doubt he's going to find someone who will put up with all of the crap I put up with from him. It's time to grow up. I'm letting go.

I'm hurt...but I genuinely hope someday he finds someone who makes him truly happy.

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Okay. I deleted this blog because I felt like it was "disrespectful" and "low" but honestly, he doesn't deserve respect and I deserve some sort of outlet...and this is it. 

How much PDA is "too much" PDA?

Recently, during a short layover at an airport on my way home from Tennessee, I was privy to a show of public affection that literally went on for hours. At first, I didn't give it much thought. I was traveling alone, but I had my e-books, music and iPhone with me. In other words, there was plenty to entertain me. Initially, I figured the couple sitting one row up and on the left were perhaps on their honeymoon. After a while, honeymoon or not, the constant and continuous smooching, pawing and giggling started to wear on me.

So when are public displays of affection acceptable?

Most likely the answer to this question varies from individual to individual. Some people may find anything more than a quick peck on the cheek, a nice little goodbye kiss that is short and discreet or a pat on the shoulder to be inappropriate. Others may feel a limit should be attached according to age appropriateness. Oh, by the way, the couple smooching for hours in the airport were not in the throes of young love. Ew! Does that fact make it a little less tolerable? Maybe flagrant love should only be reserved for the young and the beautiful.

Is it just naturally awkward watching other people make out?

It may vary from culture to culture actually, but in American culture some people feel like they are intruding when in the presence of a couple who are enjoying each other's company way too much. Other folks may feel a bit like a third wheel, but are satisfied that it's just an expression of love and merely look the other way.

Why do people make out in public?

Plenty of couples probably just get carried away in the moment. Other couples actually find the idea of making out in public to be exciting.

Does location matter?

If you really want to indulge in a little public display of affection, then where you are at the time could have some bearing on the outcome. Party settings like clubs are widely more acceptable places to grind and grope. A public park might be fine, too, until you discover that you've attracted some guy hiding in the bushes enjoying the free show.

There probably is no set answer to the question of when is a public display of affection too much. Each individual, in the end, needs to define their own comfort level with such matters. However, once you know what that level of comfort is, you should never be made to feel that you have to cross your own line of demarcation. Stand your ground! As for what to do about the others, the ones who are sitting one row up and to the left, just close your eyes and hum a tune.

Personally, I cannot stand immense amounts of PDA. It's okay to give swift little kisses but don't eat each other's face off like there's a zombie apocalypse going on around you. Gag. Have respect for the people around you...rather it be a family with children or a bitter old woman. Just be respectful.

If I could tell the world one thing about Cystic Fibrosis

I’m always asked, ”If you could tell the world one thing about Cystic Fibrosis, what would it be?” And it is this. That CF hurts. It hurts physically when it feels like sandpaper is scraping your lungs with every breath. It hurts mentally to plan for and get excited about a life you may never lead. It hurts to fall in love because CF can be an extraordinary burden on anyone who is not meant to deal with it, most times resulting in rejection and loneliness. It hurts to watch dozens of friends lose this fight that they never deserved or asked for. But most of all, it would hurt to not have been blessed with the chance to experience life through a CFer’s eyes: No love is half-given, no day is not lived to its fullest and NOTHING is ever taken for granted.

Does the silent treatment really work?

Your boyfriend has gone and stuck his foot in his mouth again and is being a royal prick, so what better way to get him to realize the error of his ways than by giving him the silent treatment. We’ve all done it. We’ve all played the silent treatment card to get the upper hand on a situation at least once. Most of the time, the silent treatment will eventually get your guy to come back apologizing with his tail between his legs if you can just hold out long enough. But, eventually if you play the card too often, it’s power eventually wears off and you end up being the one to come crawling back with an apology.

So, does the silent treatment really work? Yes, in the short-term the silent treatment does work if you know how to do it properly. But, according to the experts, it’s a childish maneuver that hurts the relationship in the long term. Sure, they may have a point, but getting your guy to see your point in an argument is more effective this minute, right? Not to mention, guys are always telling us we talk too much anyway.

Even the experts admit the silent treatment is an effective tool for “teaching your partner a lesson.” Sure, they may snicker at first and think we are just being dramatic, but if you ignore their existence long enough, they eventually cave. It’s all about who has a stronger willpower for revenge to get your way.

When you think about it that way, it really doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship choice even if it is effective. Other than your point being made or you getting your way, the underlying issue never really gets resolved, which is likely to cause resentment down the road. Who knows, maybe there is something to what the relationship experts say.

The experts say to only use the silent treatment to handle your anger--- basically, if you don‘t have anything nice to say don‘t say anything at all. They recommend coming to some sort of compromise to resolve the conflict without turning to childish behaviors. They even recommended counseling if you can’t resolve problems without the silent treatment to learn how to talk through your issues like adults and not ignore your spouse.

In my opinion, sometime’s talking can wait. The silent treatment is effective if you know how to use it right, plus it gives you more time to think about witty comebacks and what you’re going to say to your partner when they finally do come to you to work things out. I agree, the silent treatment may not be the smartest choice and shouldn’t be used too often, especially if the issue at hand is a big one. But, when you throw it out there once every blue moon for little issues, what’s the harm?

What true love really is, in my opinion.

Love is what makes wonderful and great things happen in the world.  Without it these things cant be accomplished.  One of the biggest obstacles in life isn't the never ending hunt for love but the lack of truth we have for it.  Everyone wants to love someone and to be loved and to have the experience, but the path to it has has become so distorted and people get so blinded by the standards of the world. The world will tell you that your not good enough or you cant meet  up to other people, when in reality we are all human. Not one person is better than any other. We are all equal. I wish people would see that and would embrace the truth and not so much rush into things so important as to finding the right mate. You shouldn't feel like you have to search around or try people out. God has his timing for everything and His timing is perfect! Why not wait for the person He selected out that will fit your every need and desire than to date around all the wrong people? As far as age goes, I do not think that is important. You can love at this age. But to an extent. Love isn't some word you throw around because you want to or because you "think" its the right time to start saying it. That's why so many people get hurt. They think they're in love when really it was never love, but lust. Love never dies. So if you say you were in love with someone at one point then why did it not end up working out? Love does not give up and it always works things out. Do you think if God just gave up on us we would survive? He loves us so much that even if we turn our back or dishonor him no matter how many times he always forgives us and never puts us down. That is what true love really is.  Shouldn't that be the same for relationships? Also another thing I find disturbing is how much appearances mean to people. Sure you do not want to be with someone who totally disgusts you or someone you are not physically attracted to at all, God doesn't want that for you either. So don't think "Oh if I do it God's way I'm gonna end up marrying someone ugly". That's not it at all. He want's only the best for you. It is nice to be attracted to  someone and to look at them and say "Wow they're beautiful." But it takes more than just looking at them  to realize their beauty.

Is it bad to snoop?

A little snooping in a relationship never hurt anyone, right? Not so fast.

As innocent as your intentions may be, if you get caught snooping through your boyfriend’s phone, reading his instant messages or checking his Facebook account, he may consider that to be a serious invasion of his privacy. It may even be a deal breaker to some guys. Plus, what if you find something out you wish you hadn’t? Do you really want to know all of your boyfriend’s dirty little secrets? Would you want him knowing all of yours?

It’s really tempting to take a quick glance through your boyfriend’s phone or check his email account, but should you really be doing it? How would you feel if the tables were turned? Maybe you’re just curious? Maybe you want to know whether or not he has really stopped talking to his whore ex-girlfriend? What about that hot new co-worker? Maybe you’re just trying to control him? No matter your reason for wanting to snoop, innocent intentions or not, snooping won’t fix anything. In fact, it will just make things worse should you get caught.

Lets just say you snoop and find nothing. Good, right? Well, what happens if he finds out? He’s going to feel as though you betrayed him because you didn’t trust him, which led you to invading his privacy. What if you do find something, like he is cheating? Then, you are just digging your own grave because you’re guilty of snooping.

Even if you snoop because you fear there maybe trouble in your relationship, the answers you find by snooping won’t fix anything. If you’re tempted to snoop out of curiosity or fear your relationship is in trouble, your best bet is to talk with your boyfriend. If talking with your boyfriend doesn’t ease your fears or curiosity, you need to work on your communication in your relationship first.

If you aren’t able to resolve your issues by communicating, than you have bigger issues at hand than simply snooping. If your relationship is already in trouble, don’t throw snooping into the mix because that will just add even more trust issues into your relationship. Not to mention, if you don’t trust your boyfriend enough to resist the temptation to snoop in the first place, you have bigger issues at hand. 

Moving on after a break up.

Breaking up is hard to do, especially after you’ve been in a bad relationship. At first, you might be thrilled to finally be free from the drama, but after a while the loneliness can set in and you might be tempted to jump back into an awful situation. Or, after a bad relationship, you may be afraid to date again because you’re worried whether or not you can trust again. Maybe you’re scared of dating the same type of person as your past relationship? Moving on after a bad relationship is possible if you learn from the past relationship to ensure you don’t end up in the same situation again.

Usually after you end a relationship you kind of go through stages. First, you’re either happy it has ended or extremely depressed. Often, you’ll want to rid your life of the memories. Some to choose to burn photos, change their look, or toss out the other’s belongings. There are a lot of ways people deal with ending a relationship, although I don’t recommend violence or destruction.

After you’ve passed through this stage, you can become sad or lonely. If that happens, it’s common to start remembering all of the good times in the relationship as the bad fade away. You can be tempted to jump back into the relationship because you miss what had been normal for so long. You don’t want to make any rash judgments in order to move on after ending a bad relationship because you’ll likely end up regretting it down the road.

If you’re tempted to rekindle the old flame, first sit down and do some thinking. You can’t forget about the bad moments in the relationship. Write down all the good and bad times to see if the good outweighed the bad. Also, make a list of what you want out of life, your relationship and the type of person you want to be with. If you ex doesn’t fit into what you want out of life, reconsider getting back together.

Most importantly of all, you need time to allow yourself to heal. Avoid talking to your ex to prevent any confusing emotions coming into the mix. Give yourself the time you need to think clearly before making any decisions, even when wanting to start a new relationship.

You don’t want to jump into a new relationship too soon or you may end up with the same type of person as your ex. This is where your list comes in handy. With your list you’ll know what type of person will make you happy and fit in with what you want out of life. If the person doesn’t fit into the life you have pictured for yourself, don’t get in a relationship with them

No matter how badly you may hate being single and want to be in a relationship, the worse thing you can do for yourself is jump into a relationship too soon. In order to move on after a bad relationship, you need to give yourself time to gather your thoughts and discover yourself. If you choose to go back to your ex afterwards or move onto someone new, that’s your choice. Just make sure you do it under your own terms and when you’re level headed. Don’t let your emotions cloud your judgment.