Thanksgiving. (Testimony of my hectic life) Warning: Lengthy

For the past few weeks I've sort of been dreading today. As some of you may remember, I actually got "UNinvited" to MY family's Thanksgiving. (If you knew my mother, it wouldn't come as a surprise.) For the past few weeks, I honestly haven't felt like I have a lot to be thankful for. Thanksgiving is where you are supposed to come together as a family, as friends, as companions...whatever...and you recognize that even though you've had some hardships, there's still so much to smile about and be thankful for. I didn't exactly have a perfect childhood. Or even a really maternal mother. For the majority of my youth, my oldest sister (Who is 8 years older than me, 27) took care of me...and still continues to do so. More than anyone in my life, I'm thankful for her. I guess I should be thankful that I have parents, period. Because although they may not be great ones, it's still more than some others have. 

My mom has five children. ALL of us have different fathers. My "biological" father was the only one my mother actually married. Conicidentally enough, he was also the craziest. He was very, very abusive. I was very young when he was still in all of our lives but I didn't completely go through infantile amnesia, so there is still quite a bit I remember. For example, once my mom and him were divorced...I had to do visitation with him, which is where you just got visit a few times a week. I always dreaded visitation day. He was really cruel and said the most awful things. One time I went to his house for visitation and he had a "surprise" for me. It was a little white bunny rabbit. I was really excited about it. He let me play with it for a little while and then told me it could be mine if I told the court that I wanted to come live with him. I told him no, that I wanted to stay with my brother and two sisters...and my mom. He was furious, and he made me watch as he fed the bunny rabbit to his snake. I understand now that I'm older that he did truly intend the rabbit to be for his snake in the first place, and that it was just some sick game to him. But at that age, I felt like it was my fault...for not wanting to live with him. Another time, he showed me a GUN and told me to tell my mom he had it. So that was pretty scary, as you can probably imagine. Another time I watched him take out pieces of his vehicle and then call my mom and tell her that he couldn't bring me home because his truck wasn't working. I imagine now that was just to lure her in. She ended up bringing someone with her to come get me. When I was younger, my Cystic Fibrosis was way, way worse than it is now. I had a lot of digestive issues, so I had a g-tube in my stomach and had to take enzymes every time I ate. Well he wouldn't give me my medicine and I'd end up really sick. I remember watching him toss them down the sink drain. All of this stuff just built up and I started begging my mom to not make me go. We ended up going back to court over it and I testified against him and we got a restraining order. My mom had gained full custody of me. But that only made him angry and a restraining order didn't stop the abuse. We ended up having to move to a domestic violence shelter in Jacksonville (where I currently live) named Hubbard House. I went to school there, and lived there for quite some time. My poor oldest sister had to leave in the middle of her 9th grade year. 

My mom did the best she could taking care of (at the time) all four of us. She now has a child with the person she's currently with. My little brother is seven, now. I don't really get along with my "step-dad" (He's not technically my step-dad because they're not married but I still call him that.) 

My mom wasn't really the best. I have damaged lobes on my lungs from her smoking around me.  

When I was soon-to-be going into 10th grade, my mom and step-dad and little brother were all in the process of moving into another home. They were heating the house with propane so I couldn't live there. Propane wasn't good for me to be breathing in. So a woman I had known for a very brief time offered to let me come and stay with her just until my family was all settled in and had electric instead of gas heat. This woman (we'll call her N) had a son that died from Cystic Fibrosis at age 20. So we all just sort of assumed she knew how to take care of someone with CF because she had done it before. Anyways, that's how I met my best friend who lives in Germany. She was a foreign exchange student and we were in the same grade. We got to know each other and actually shared a room because I didn't get along well with N's daughter. I was very sick the whole time I was there but I just assumed it was because it was winter and the weather was making me sick. Especially with everyone at school getting colds and me having a bad immune system. There's a lot more to it, but the gist of it is simple. Living there was awful. I found out that the family had been heating their home with propane the entire winter. And I had been breathing it in. Another thing was they gave me "cold medicine" (cough suppressants) Fun fact: People with CF can't take anything that suppresses a cough because if you don't cough, the mucus stays on your lungs and eventually grows bacteria that can be very deadly. I figured it out when I went to school one day and just couldn't do it. I couldn't breathe. I was rushed to the ER and my mom came. They did x-rays and there was so.....so much mucus. It was weighing down on my lungs and I had staph inside of my lungs. They had to go in and scrape the mucus off of my lungs and I was in the hospital for a long time. My immune system was so bad that I wasn't able to go back to school so I had to be home schooled. We couldn't really say anything about the family neglecting me because I wast exactly supposed to be living anywhere other than my parents because I could've lost my Medicaid. Long story short, I moved back in with my moms and got my health back up after about six months. I was pretty healthy the next school year. I was only in the hospital once. 

In 11th grade, I got kicked out of my parents. I had went and spent a week in Gainesville with my ex and my mom was furious that I had missed three days of school (I left on a Wednesday and missed that day, Thursday, and Friday) and she just kicked me out. So I lived with a friend and finished up that year. I ended up moving back to my moms. Again. My senior year, I got sick around February and had to be admitted to the hospital again and was given the opportunity to come home with IVs but only IF someone could change them for me and give me my antibiotic intravenously every four hours. My mom's work schedule wouldn't allow it so my exes family asked me to come stay with them and offered to do it. They were both school teachers so it worked out pretty well with all of our schedules. They enjoyed having me around so they asked me to stay after my IV was out and I had my own room there. My exes family is super religious and one day while my ex was visiting from his duty station in Kentucky, his dad found a box of condoms in his car and was a bit angry about it because they "knew" we had been having sex. So things got a little awkward. I ended up feeling uncomfortable because of how controlling they were. Like I would fly to Kentucky and they would throw a fit that him and I were sleeping in the same bed there. I was 18, I didn't need anyone breathing down my neck and telling me what to do and what not to do. So we got in an argument and I moved in with my friend...who is black. Which was AWESOME. (Soul food every freaking night. It was like I won the jackpot! Haha.) I got along well with her and her family and I'm still really close to them. I had intended to only stay until my trip to New York with my best friend who lives in Germany (We met up there) and she came back to Florida with me and we stayed at my mom's. When my best friend left back to Germany, I went back to my friends and stayed there a few days. 

My oldest sister offered to let me come stay with her and it lasted about a week. It was just too crowded. My other sister who is 25 then offered to let me come stay there because she lived in a better part of town and it would be easier access to job opportunities. So I did that. BIG MISTAKE. Fun fact, she's a lesbian. Did you guys know lesbians have more relationship drama than straight people? I probably just made that up...but I totally believe it. I can believe it though because girls are catty. MEEEEE-OW. My sister and her girlfriend broke up one day and I was at home filling out my resume for a job interview I had the next day. Long story short, my sister came home absolutely wasted and I think thought I was her girlfriend...? Beat the ever living out of me. She's a big girl. Much bigger than me. Not to mention I am not a fighter. It was so bad. Like I'm shaking as I type this because of how scary it was. I actually thought she was going to kill me. I tried to run, run outside and get help once she stopped beating me and she chased me. (She did cross country in high school. I did not. Clearly.) She caught up to me, took my phone and smashed it. Thankfully earlier that night I had accidentally left my mom a really brutal voicemail of her beating the mess out of me and me screaming bloody murder. So my mom came the next morning and my sister had sobered up. This all lasted about four hours and then she quit. I couldn't call anyone because she smashed my phone. It was......bad. My mom came the next morning and I was really badly beaten. She took me home and after I healed up I went to spend a weekend at my OLDEST sisters and I've been there ever since. So I've been there about three or four months now. My brother in law is in the navy and preparing for deployment so he's gone a lot on the ship for duty so there's a lot more room there now and I sleep in my big sisters bed with her. And I love, looooove being around my nephews! My sister just moved back to Jacksonville recently and it's so nice having her home.

I've come to realize that more than anything in this world, I'm most thankful for her. I'm a lot to handle. And she does it anyways. I really don't know what I would do without her. 

It kind if dawned on me lastnight because I was thinking about today and how I don't really have anyone besides her. She's really IT, family-wise. Sure I've got friends and a boyfriend. But she's the only family I have.

*i didn't mention this but I literally got uninvited to thanksgiving because I didn't pay my cell phone bill and my mom got mad.*

I had a contract with AT&T and when your contract ends, you can pay whenever. I mean your phone will get cut off but you don't have to pay it on time. Anyways, when my sister smashed my phone I asked my mom if I could renew my contract and get the upgrade on my phone and she told me no but wouldn't give a legitimate reason. I just recently found out that it's because SHE renewed MY contract so SHE could use my upgrade. So it messes up her credit if I don't pay on time but that's her own fault for going behind my back and using my upgrade. I pay my own phone bill. It was $60 a month, not a huge deal. I told her I'd pay it and she was being super cunty and told me she wasn't going to turn it back on even if I paid is so I said bump that I'm not paying the bill then and boom, uninvited to thanksgiving lol Then my sister took up for me and got uninvited too so yeah, my mom is a maniac. I ended up having to block her because she wouldn't stop harrassing me. So I've been a little while without a phone, but next week I'm going to AT&T and setting up one of those straight talk account things and that's pretty nifty because it's like $45 a month or something. Anyways, yeah, now you guys know some of my hectic life.

I know there are others who've had it way worse, no doubt. I'm not complaining by any means. I'm thankful for everything I've been through because it's made me the person I am today and I'm proud of that. I may not be the absolute prettiest girl, or the smartest girl...but I am a tough girl. And I'm thankful. 

I have a love/hate relationship with long distance relationships.

Until my last relationship, I had never really been in a long distance relationship.  I mean sure, I've had boyfriends that were a few cities over...but it's always been no further than maybe an hour. Anyone who's ever been in a LDR knows how much they tend to suck...but also how exciting/rewarding they can be. My last relationship didn't start off as a LDR. A few months into it, it became one. My ex boyfriend joined the army and moved ten hours away from me. I always told myself that it was easily doable because we didn't start off as a LDR. Major props to anyone who started their whole relationship off as a LDR because it is HARD. Well now I am in a relationship that has started off as long distance. Thankfully it's not ten hours like my last one, but it's still a major headache. 

Cons: 

• Long distance relationships are EXPENSIVE. You're working your butt off pretty much to spend the money you've made from your job on gas to go visit your significant other. It's worth it, you say...and heck, maybe it is. But I don't care who you are, making money and then burning it up on gas isn't fun. Exciting because you get to see your significant other, but no one looks forward to spending the money they worked hard for on gas. For example, two weeks before my boyfriend even got his last paycheck, he knew what it was going towards...gas to come see me. Which is sweet. But inconvenient. I feel like a nuisance sometimes because he spends so much, and he always says "Money is meant to be spent." True. But I'd like to be able to see you annnnd buy those cute brown boots at Nordies. 

• I like having access to love and affection anytime I want/need it...which is ALL THE TIME. I don't want to have to say "I miss you." and get the response "Two more weeks, baby." But hey, it is what it is. I'm just saying I'd like to be able to be like "I miss you." and get a "I'm on my way with Taco Bell, get Netflix ready."

• I'm a sucker for being taken care of when I'm sick. There's nothing better than cuddling up to my man when I have all kinds of aches and pains and him just loving on me and babying me, massaging me, and giving me kisses on kisses on kisses. 

• I feel like everywhere I go, I see couples. One couple, two couple, red couple, blue couple. COUPLES GALORE. And what does that make me do? Miss my significant other...and it turns me into a bitter grump, grimacing at all the young couples commiting the unruly crime of public display of affection...knowing good and well that I'd be doing the same thing if I wasn't alone. Seems mean, I know. But sometimes it's more fun seeing people with their other half when I'm not missing mine like cray cray. But I digress, I don't want to be a bitter Betty. This is only sometimes.

• Feeling left out of the group. "Haha Wade just did the funniest thing. Well you just had to be there." WELL I WASNT SO EXPLAIN TO ME IN GREAT DETAIL WHAT HE DID. HOW FUNNY WAS IT ON A SCALE FROM 1-10? MAKE HIM DO IT AGAIN AND RECORD IT SO I CAN SEE. ALSO EXPLAIN TO ME IN GREAT DETAIL WHAT YOU HAD FOR LUNCH. Okay so maybe I'm not like that at all, but no one likes hearing "You had to be there." ...especially when absolutely nothing sounds better than being there.

• My all time favorite...Britney is complaining on Facebook about how her boyfriend is out of town for a family reunion. He'll only be gone for two days, but that's two days she has to go without blowing up everyone's Instagram with pictures of them eating each other's face off like the zombie apocalypse is happening. LISTEN HERE BRITNEY, ITS JUST TWO DAYS. GET A HOBBY. MAYBE START WORKING ON A DEGREE IN ARCHITECTURE SO YOU CAN BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT. Anyways, being in a LDR makes you want to roundhouse kick anyone who complains about not being able to see their significant other for a few days. 

• I realize all of these cons make me sound insanely selfish and bitter. Honestly, those are just two more cons. Long distance makes me selfish. I forget about everyone else when my boyfriend visits. I made plans with a friend Sunday night and Monday...but cancelled because my boyfriend ended up staying another night and I stayed with him. So I always have to deal with friends getting mad for me "putting them on the back burner" or calling me selfish. If I don't get to see my significant other often, I'm going to take every opportunity to see him that comes at me. I don't care if you're Oprah. I'm still going to want to spend time with my man. 

Okay, now I will stop being a negative Nancy and start listing PROS!

Pros:

• There's that quote from Robin Hood..."Distance makes the heart grow fonder" and boy is that true. There's also "The longer the wait, the sweeter the kiss." Also true. In my opinion, distance can be a really good thing. Missing each other (in a healthy way) can be a really good thing. I'm not saying feeling lonely is good. Not by any means. I say "in a healthy way" because the loneliness my ex felt when we were away from each other was the furthest thing from heathy. For example, he tried to fill the hole...he just wanted to be physical too much, I suppose. Or he needed more attention. Honestly, I'm not sure what motivated him to make dating websites WHILE we were dating, go out to bars/clubs and grind on other girls, text all kinds of girls, or watch porn. Long distance isn't for the unfaithful. Simple as that. 

• Planning. I've realized how much more fun it is to plan and dream together when you're not together every day. You get that dose of clarity and an idea of what you want out of your relationship. If you're like me, you're always thinking of a future with your significant other...well, if you can SEE a future with them. (I don't see the point in dating if you can't see yourself marrying that person.) I'll be grocery shopping and I'll daydream about being married and grocery shopping together, or at home watching Netflix and imagining him here with me in our own home all cozied up together and eyeballs deep in some show on Netflix. Saying things like "When I move there, we're.......blah blah blah." Talking about a future together just feels so good when you're not together all the time.

• It feels good to know that someone thinks you're worth all the trouble of long distance. What's the point of being with someone you can't see all the time if you don't intend on reaching a point in life where you kick distance out of the way and settle down together. Really I feel amazing that my boyfriend thinks "This girl is so amazing that I don't even have to be with her right now because I know it's only a matter of time until this distance goes away and I'm rolling over and kissing her good morning." It simply feels good to be worth the distance.

• Surprises. I'm already working on a trip to where he lives, unexpectedly. And I love that--scheming for the benefit of making him happy. Surprising someone you see every day isn't as special I guess as surprising someone who isn't expecting to see you for at least a few more weeks. I can't stop thinking about seeing his face light up when he sees me and being pulled into the biggest hug ever. 

• Goodbyes are bittersweet. You're kissing and it just feels so good that you don't want to stop, but you know the sooner you say goodbye...the sooner you can start planning getting together again. I mean, goodbyes suck...but they're more like see you laters.

• You always have something to look forward to. You appreciate each other more when the time you have together is limited. Every kiss is sweeter, and every hug is tighter. Up until the very last one.

• I really do believe that if distance is done right, it can make your relationship stronger. That's only if you're in the right relationship, though. That's just my opinion.

Like I stated previously, long distance relationships aren't for everyone. But it takes a special couple to be able to overcome distance and build a happy life together. And think of the stories you'll get to tell your children...how you two made it work only seeing each other every so often, how much trust and love you two had for each other, and how totally worth all the tears and missing each other was. If you both truly want it to work, it will. But it has to be both of you 100%

To anyone struggling with getting over someone.

Get over him. He's not even worth it. He is not worth your time or your tears. Yeah you loved him, I know that. And I know you just can't see yourself with anyone other than him, I get that. I've been there.  But why should you spend all your time sitting at home, bawling your eyes out, wondering where he is and who he's with. Do you honestly think he is thinking about you? No. Sure, it hurts knowing that he is out there falling in and out of love with other girls. I know it used to hurt me seeing him talking to girls and just having sex with everyone. Yeah, you're gonna see him with one of his new girlfriends. Prepare yourself because straight up, it's gonna hurt. He will hold her a little closer and squeeze her hand a little tighter just because he knows you're watching. He knows it' killing you, that's why he will do it. Don't let him get to you because that, well that's exactly what he wants. He doesn't even deserve it. So what if he doesn't even want to talk to you. Do you really want to be friends with a jerk like that, anyways? Thing is, I know you still do. But give it time. Because all he would do is talk about his new girlfriend and try to make you jealous. Do you really wanna hear that? No. Screw him and his girlfriend. He will be sorry. Trust me. When he finally sees you with some other guy that's not him. With that huge grin on your face and your boyfriend holding you close, he will see how happy you are. And he will see how happy your boyfriend is because he has you: the girl of his dreams. He will realize the huge mistake he made when he let you go, when he decided to choose her over you. When he decided that he just did not love you the same. Trust me, he will be sorry. So don't go your nights waiting for that one phone call you know you're not going to get. Or that text he will never send you simply because he likes to ignore you. He likes to pretend that he does not see you online, he does it out of spite just because he knows its killing you. Look at how he's treated you. You really think it'll be hard finding someone who treats you better than someone who treats you the worst? Now that's a joke. Keep your head else high, don't be bitter, just know there are better things right around the corner. You just have to stop going after someone who's simply not worth it anymore.

Just an FYI.

He came to Florida this weekend right...and this weekend he confessed to me that he has had sex with three girls. (Finally confessed. He had been lying. I had to force him to tell me...) Which was fine I guess because we weren't dating. But I got drunk and turned into a crazy girlfriend (even though I'm not a girlfriend) and I went through his phone and blocked every girl he's been flirting with/had sex with. (Thank you iOS7 for having my back.) Well sober me felt really guilty so the next morning I told him what I did and it hurt my feelings that he unblocked them all. :( And when I said I didn't want him talking to this girl named Anna, he DEFENDED her by saying she's a "good friend" and I'm sorry, but I do not let my "good friends" put their penis inside me. So he went through my phone the next day and blocked people and didn't even tell me about it. I found out myself but kept them blocked because I wanted to show him that I wanted to commit again. And then yesterday he confessed he blocked people. And I told him I wanted to keep talking/trying and just as he was walking out if the door, ANNA CALLS HIM. And I turned into a REALLY crazy girlfriend. Like "Let me answer your phone." and he DIDNT. The right thing to do would've been for him to answer and say "Hey, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm spoken for. Blah blah blah." right there in front of me so I know I have nothing to worry about and then proceed to block her but I feel like he picked her over me because I told him we couldn't both be in his life yet they're still talking. So yeah, there's that. I was like bump that noise. I'm just feeling really dumb for holding into someone who keeps hurting me over and over again. I'm tired of giving someone another chance just to be reminded why the first 829591 didn't work out. I'm sick of believing the "I love you's" and all those sweet words that are never actually backed up with actions. 

Trick candles: Trying things with my ex, again.

Have you ever had a birthday where someone put trick candles on your birthday cake? You blew it out and suddenly the flame is back? You laugh at first and say "Ha ha guys, verrrrry funny." and proceed to blow it out. It's great at first because you didn't expect that tiny little flame to come back and it's exciting...but after so may times of blowing it out, you get annoyed with it coming back. You blow and think "Alright that was the last time I'm blowing out that stupid flame!" and what do ya know, there it is again.

That's kind if how my life is, right now. Those of you that have followed me long enough know that my account used to be "IT couple" and I tweeted lovey dovey crap about my boyfriend all day. Obviously one day we broke up...but he's my trick candle...my flame that keeps coming back. 

The first time we broke up, I refused to talk about it because I didn't want people to judge him harshly. As time passed, I began to use my twitter as a way to pretty much vent about him and get high fives every time I rejected him. That's how you all know me as now, that sassy girl who's ex boyfriend can't get over her.

Let me get something straight here right now...I may talk a lot of crap and put on a face that looks tough but my ex boyfriend is my kryptonite. (I think it's his eyes. He has nice eyes.) But every time I think I'm getting over him, something happens. Something like...a new season of that show we used to watch got added on Netflix and he had to email me to let me know and I watched it and the whole time wanted to text him and say "OH MY GOSH EPISODE SIX IS FIFTY SHADES OF CRAY!" or I'll be in the car and an old country song he used to sing would come on and my head would spin imagining me laughing at him from the passenger side. I think about him all the time and when I'm not thinking about him, I'm only thinking of someone else in hopes of forgetting him. 

I've met some pretty amazing guys but I've always found something wrong with each one. And I've come to learn that they all have one flaw in common.........they're not him. 

Recently I became a trick candle just like him. I don't know what came over me...most of you know he's always the one to come to me...but I went to him and I gave into him. And the way he has treated me has been phenomenal so far. And while it's scary that I'm slowly letting him back in my life, I have to admit that I am excited for whatever is to come. I'm excited to have my best friend back. And a very big part of me hopes that it is for good, this time.

I don't want to be judged. I know I may be being foolish...but I'm one happy foolish girl and I can handle whatever life throws at me so long as he's holding my hand. 

The right guy

What constitutes as the “Right Guy?” Is he right because he’s “good” for you? Safe to bring home to mom? Or is he right because even though he’s the biggest punk in town, it’s invigorating when you’re around him?

What’s really crazy is when you’re so sure he is the right guy. You can see a total future together. Sure, there are some things you’d like to change (slowly, of course) but he seems so open to suggestion, you feel like you couldn’t go wrong.

Take “the dreamer,” for instance. He’s got an average job that he’s too good for, but he says it’s better this way so he can concentrate on his band, his art, his window herb garden or even his cat. You can’t pin a soul like that down by “the man,” man! And why would you want to? Every time this guy needs money, he just calls his mom. A total keeper, right? A date with carrots and apples is totally romantic! (He prefers if you’d call it a vegan picnic.)

Well, then there’s Mr. Business. Total success, drives a hot car, and only wears suits that start at $500. He’s “focused,” you say. Ambitious. Keeps his nose to the grind stone. He may also trade you to the investors if it means better leverage! So what if you never see him; he’s doing what he does best. In the end, he’ll be able to provide for the family. You’ll just feel like a single mother if you guys ever decide to have kids. And all that ambition might get him in trouble with the attractive secretary, since they’re constantly side by side.

Well, we can’t forget the rough and tough bad boy. You can’t change him, but who wants to anyway? He’s so sexy with his tattoos, his leather jacket, and his cigarette. Too bad that diet of hoagies and chips can only hold up for so many years. After a while his stomach will be busting through his jacket and you’ll have to bring an oxygen tank around to accommodate for his emphysema.
Personally, I like the lumberjack. Strong, dependable, likes to get things done. Except he only eats his mother’s meat loaf and he wasn’t that cute at your cousin’s wedding. You remember that beautiful black tie wedding? So what if he figured he could wear his plaid shirt and blue jeans and just throw a tie over the ensemble. Oh, and his feet smell something awful every night.

Thankfully men don’t always fit so neatly into these categories. Everybody has their ups and their downs, and we’re not perfect either! You can’t even pretend to choose “wisely” anymore, you just have to jump in and get ready to communicate. And sometimes withhold food.

Testimony of being in the most destructive relationship of my life. (**Revised**)

**I posted this blog months ago but deleted it and saved it as a draft because I felt it was "mean" but quite frankly I see nothing wrong with sharing my past dating experience with y'all. Anyways, some things may be confusing because I wrote it months ago**

Here I am, listening to the relationship professional herself...Taylor Swift (obviously I'm joking) and I just have this incessant need to type out my past relationship. I may summarize it...I may type a novel. Right now, I'm not really sure how I'm feeling. I just know the moment my fingers touched this keyboard, I began to feel immensely better. We're DONE so I don't see why you guys can't know his name...and some of you do know it. Anyways, my ex's name is Joshua. We'll call him Josh here, now, because I only call him by his full name in an endearing way...I'm currently not feeling very endearing. Clearly. Usually I make a rough draft of what I blog about...usually I have nifty little bullets and a direction. This blog will have no direction, I am simply venting. So I apologize in advance if it's messy...which it will be.

I met Josh at a mutual friend's birthday party. I was dating a guy at the time named Chris, who I had met at my church. (At this point, I was really into church.) Well Chris and I didn't date for very long. After my friend's birthday party I had photos on Facebook that I had uploaded from it and tagged my friend in. So Josh commented on the photos and was like ''Why am I not tagged in these!?'' and that is how he came to be my friend on Facebook. After Chris and I had broken up, Josh and I were messaging on Facebook. It was about the fifth message before he was all ''I'm at work so text me.'' and threw his number out to me. I was absolutely smitten by him at first. He was such a sweet talker and it felt nice. Honestly, I wasn't over my previous relationship when I started talking to Josh. It didn't last long but it ended badly and I was mostly sad that I had lost my friend all because I made him more than that. So being flirted with felt remarkable. I was in 11th grade at the time, it was in the middle of the year. A DUMB 11TH GRADER, I'LL ADD. At the time he was going to college about an hour away from me. We started liking each other and blah blah blah, I'll skip that part.

Our relationship was wonderful...but I want to skip to the night that he told me he loved me and this will just go to show what a dumb, dumb girl I was.

My mom did not like Josh at first. She felt like he made me act too different, and she was right. I changed a lot when we began dating. I started acting more rebellious. For the most part, I was really good. I was the only person in my whole family who was active in church and while all of my friends were out partying and drinking and getting knocked up in high school, I was more of...a geek. Honestly. It's embarrassing, but whatever. I never said I love you to any of my boyfriends. I was in a relationship with a guy named Trevor that only lasted six months in tenth grade because he told me he loved me and it freaked me out. I broke up with him after he told me that. I know, I'm mean...

Well I went and stayed with Josh in his apartment where he was going to college at. We went to a house party. I wasn't much of a party girl or anything so I remember sitting in the kitchen sipping on the absolute nastiest beer ever. I am tiny so I am a lightweight. I was buzzed when what I'm about to tell you guys happened...happened.

I went to the bathroom and left my phone on the counter...when I came back it was gone. Josh was in another room so I went in there and got his phone to call mine. I couldn't find it anywhere. I figured one of his friends took it as a joke so I went to go text it and say ''Please be nice and give the phone you have back.'' and a message popped up, instead. It was from a girl named Rachel. He had deleted the thread of messages so I could only read what looked like her sending him a provocative photo and him encouraging her to do so. He was complimenting her body and telling her that any guy would be stupid to let her go. His exact words were ''You make it hard to remain faithful to an amazing girl.'' inferring that I'm amazing but she's so amazing that he makes it hard to stay faithful to me. I felt this pang in my chest...I felt so...betrayed. Words can't express how deeply I'm affected still by the things he said to her. I felt ugly, worthless, and not good enough. He walked into the kitchen where I was and handed me my phone. Of course, him and his friend had taken it so I would get off of Twitter. (Go figure.)

I handed him his phone and my eyes were about to spew over with tears and I didn't want to cry in front of a kitchen full of people so I stood up like a lady and walked into a room. A drunk girl came in there and I was BAWLING. So I was like ''No, please don't say anything!'' and of course, she goes and gets Josh and he comes in there. At this point, I'm feeling like crap because I had been drinking and my buzz was turning into more than that and I was not used to alcohol at all. So I start blurting out how angry I am and I'm all ''TAKE ME HOME, NOW. TAKE ME BACK TO MY MOM'S.'' and I'm legitimately so hurt and furious. Well, we left the house party. I had to get inside of the trunk of the car because I didn't have my I.D on me at the time and the complex he was in required I.D to enter. So he smuggled me in. Anyways, he had pulled over so I could get in and we had a scene on the side of the road because he was on his knees begging me to forgive him and I was just telling him how done I was and screaming at him how angry I was and how betrayed I felt. So we were causing a scene so I just got in the trunk and he was driving with the music blaring. He didn't really I could hear his ''I'm sorry's'' from the trunk of his Honda...but I could. But it wasn't his apologizes that stuck out. It was him blurting out ''I love you.'' It dawned on my from the trunk of his car that the reason why I felt so hurt, betrayed, and cheated on...was because I loved him. I figured he was just saying that because he was alcohol induced and telling me what he probably thought I wanted to hear so once we got back to his apartment, I didn't say a word for HOURS. Then I finally said ''You love me?'' and he was shocked because he did not think I heard him. I then said ''If you really love me, Josh...tell me in the morning.'' and I left it at that and went to bed. No cuddling, spooning, nothing.

The next morning the first thing he said to me was ''I love you.'' and I hesitated awhile and then I said it back. His excuse for encouraging whore Rachel's sleazy texts were ''We weren't getting along.'' which wasn't really an excuse. I asked more about her, who she was, why they were texting...and apparently they had a fling when he lived in another town in Florida. I told him I would only stay with him if they didn't talk, anymore. So he told me he'd stop talking to her after I thoroughly stalked their messages and made myself all kinds of upset all over again.

Another incident was on his 21st birthday. Kat, my best friend who lives in Germany, was in America with me visiting. (We take turns. I'll go to Germany and then she'll come to America. It's my turn to go there in December.) Well this girl swung by his place and he didn't even introduce me. They played beer pong, and when she left she texted him and he deleted the texts but I saw some of them and of course, more flirting. LET'S JUST KEEP IN MIND THAT I DID NOT EVEN TALK TO GUYS. ONLY HIM. #faithfulgirlforthewin So that was another thing I was upset over but eventually got over, because he told me she liked his roommate, which probably wasn't even true but whatevs. 

**Another big problem I had with him was this obsession he has with looking at porn. One day I went on his web browser to look something up because my phone died and in the recent google searches, some porn website popped up. I don't know everyone's opinion on porn, but let me tell you guys how I feel. When you are in a relationship, you shouldn't be looking at that stuff. Personally I wouldn't look at it no matter what my relationship status is. But when you're in a relationship, why do you think it would be okay to lust after another girl? And quite frankly I think it's fifty shades of creepy as furk to be turned on by two people having sexy time. But that's just me. I'm not going to compete with porn for attention. That's absolutely ridiculous. There was been several times that I have caught him looking up that disgusting crap on his phone and me being the person that I am, disregarded my pain and said things like "I want to help you." when stuff like that happened, because he made it seem like it was some disease that he's struggling with. And sure, it may be...but I felt not good enough for him. And it wasn't fun...

Anyways, he kept talking to girls and oneday this guy started messaging me on Facebook and I became friends with him. ALL OF THIS was before my anon account, lol Anyways...Josh was all jealous and stuff because the guy was fond of me and it was very obvious. I was all ''Well if you have girl friends, I can have guy friends also.'' and one night after an FSU (Best team ever...) game, I told Josh I was going home and going to sleep. Which at the time was true. Until this girl called me and was like ''I'm coming to pick you up, we're riding around and drinking and we have a DD.) So I got up and went. I never did things like that so it was really exciting. I got disgustingly drunk and the guy friend (who was with us) let me crash on his couch. Was TOTALLY respectful. Didn't try anything with  me or anything so kudos to him. The next day was my mom's birthday and all she knew was she had gotten a text at 3am from my guy friend letting my mom know I was there and that I had a little too much to drink. (Just making her aware of the current situation.) and my mom freaked out and called the cops. (Because she didn't know if I was okay, who had me, or what.) and she called Josh and his parent's looking for me...so Josh found out I had went out and got trashy drunk and broke up with me. Five minutes later he called me apologizing and telling me he didn't want to break up and I was like ''Naw nigga bye.'' (Obviously I didn't say that but I said something close to it.)

We ended up getting over that and he made me promise him that we would only drink from then on out with each other...no matter what. So we made that decision.

He went to basic for the army and blah blah blah. Ya'll probably remember that he came home from basic for two whole weeks in December for Christmas and New Years. Well while he was here TRAMPY RACHEL messaged him on Facebook with her Merry Christmas B.S (That skank.) and he let me know that she messaged him and I let him know that I did not like that whore and if he talked to that whore, hasta la vista beeyotch. So he said ''Okay I will delete her.'' and it was not until after he left back to basic that I found messages on Facebook.

REAL QUICKLY LADIES I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU, TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DO NOT KNOW. You can never totally delete a message on Facebook. Once it is ''deleted'' it goes to the folder listed ''Archived'' and you can click on that nifty little box and see every message ever deleted. HAPPY CREEPIN'.

So there I was, looking at a message on Facebook where he said something along the lines of  ''Please do not reply to this. My girlfriend does not want us talking. I really, really miss you. Please write to me.'' and he then proceeded to give her his address so she could write to him in basic. I called his mom after reading that and let her know that I would not be going to family day, which was the following week, and told her what had happened. I was really, really close to his family at this point. I was a mess because I wanted to talk to him about the message and could not do a thing about it. I was so helpless. I wrote him a really nice letter, rather than a mean one. I packed it full of encouraging Bible verses and let him know at the end that I knew about the message to Rachel. I was upset but I didn't want to stress him out...so I kept calm in the letter even though on the outside, I was falling apart. I was sick because I stopped eating from being so stressed out and not eating right really takes a toll on a regular person's body so imagine what it can do to someone with Cystic Fibrosis.

I finally spoke with him...bawled...let him know how hurt I was. And I ended up going to his family day. On my way to Fort Benning, GA, where he was at...he texted me and let me know Rachel had written to him. (KIFJKIFJISEJEI STUPID WHORE.) and I asked him what it said. He told me he was not going to read it, that he was going to give it to me. He made it seem like he was really, really turning a new leaf. It felt good but I still felt uneasy. Anyways, he's dumb and totally forgot to get it from where he stayed before he came and spent family day with us so I was bummed out about that and later he ended up sending it to me in the mail. I was pleased to find what it said and decided maybe I didn't hate Rachel afterall, because the letter was really respectful to ME. (Even if my boyfriend WASN'T.) So I got over my obsession with this girl talking to my guy. I obviously didn't want them talking but I was happy that was the end...(Or so I thought.)

Anyways, he graduated from basic and everything was fantastic. La la la. Then the day he went to his duty station in Kentucky, he texted me asking if it would be okay if he drank. LOL. I was like ''Can I drink?'' and his response was ''No.'' and I was like ''Okay homie, you can't either, then. Whatevs.'' and he apparently really wanted to drink because he was like ''Fine, you can drink.'' and I was like ''Wow is drinking really THAT important to you?'' What in the actual F word, right?! So he was all ''Okay baby I wont drink I love you'' blah blah blah, shove it up your anus.

I was THE best girlfriend ever. Stupid and gullible, but seriously faithful.

For our 1 year I got together with a friend of his he made in the army and schemed. (I feel proud typing this because I did this so awesomely.) He had no idea that I was coming up there. I had the plane ticket for weeks and he had no idea. I kept it all to myself and only my closet friends and my whole family knew. His, however, did not. (I knew they'd try to make me not go.) So I had his friend pick me up from the airport and I went and surprised him for our 1 year! SUPER EXCITING! Until I got to his barracks and saw all the beer bottles. So he had been drinking the whole time...so that created an even bigger trust problem. Anyways, the time there was wonderful and blah blah blah.

Most of this blog is just me telling you guys what happened to us. It was a lot of me trusting him too much and him taking it for granted. Going to bars, talking to girls...being in a long distance relationship is hard if you don't trust the person you're with. I began to go out and drink as well, just because he was. And honestly, that's not the kind of person I am at all. I just knew that he was to the point where he didn't care what I did. I mean, he would get mad at me for drinking...and that's what our relationship became. It became him being dishonest about stupid things, me doing things just to get a rise out of him because it felt nice for him to act like he cared...even if it was just out of anger. That's what happened to us. We fell apart. He was in the military around all those guys who treat their girls like crap...and he started doing it, too. He started cussing at me, too...and I don't cuss. So that really hurt. I found out a few weekends ago that he had a ton of dating accounts while we were still dating. So that just added to it all. I'm not trying to make him look like a bad person, honestly, I'm above that. But so many of you are so curious about what happened between what used to be the ''IT couple'' and this is it. He changed. He isn't the person I fell in love with anymore. And that's very, very sad. I was so proud of him while he was in basic and I recently realized that the reason I was so proud was because he COULDNT do anything in there, it was like prison.

Ya'll remember me going there very recently to ''fix things''...well, on the way to Tennessee, he got a text from Rachel so I found out he was still talking to her...even though he was trying to fix things with me. Random things would happen...like I'd find a revealing photo in his phone that he put on the dating sites and it just got to me because I didn't want anyone to get to see what was mine...even though he wasn't really mine. He hadn't fully been mine in awhile...because he'd rather party and fool around with other girls.

It's sad how he began treating me around his army friends because the friends there will not be his friends years from now. He will move to a new duty station or get out of the army. They will all go their separate ways. I wanted more than life to spend all of mine with him...and at one point, he wanted that too...but he was exposed to his true self while he was in the military. A coward.  A liar. All he does is lie...to everyone. Especially to the people that love him. There's so much he has lied to his family about and I'm sure I don't even know everything he has lied to me about. So there you guys have it...blue skies turned to storms.

I know it's harsh...but I've tried to reach out to him and talk to him about how he has been but he won't listen to me and he won't listen to his family. He's doing his own thing now...and he has pushed away everyone who cares about him. Just the other day he texted me all upset because he realized how badly he has messed up his life. Now he's just acting like he's fine and dandy, having a good time. He doesn't realize that if he keeps acting the way he is acting, he's going to end up alone in life.

I doubt he's going to find someone who will put up with all of the crap I put up with from him. It's time to grow up. I'm letting go.

I'm hurt...but I genuinely hope someday he finds someone who makes him truly happy.

-

-

-

-

Okay. I deleted this blog because I felt like it was "disrespectful" and "low" but honestly, he doesn't deserve respect and I deserve some sort of outlet...and this is it.