Thanksgiving. (Testimony of my hectic life) Warning: Lengthy

For the past few weeks I've sort of been dreading today. As some of you may remember, I actually got "UNinvited" to MY family's Thanksgiving. (If you knew my mother, it wouldn't come as a surprise.) For the past few weeks, I honestly haven't felt like I have a lot to be thankful for. Thanksgiving is where you are supposed to come together as a family, as friends, as companions...whatever...and you recognize that even though you've had some hardships, there's still so much to smile about and be thankful for. I didn't exactly have a perfect childhood. Or even a really maternal mother. For the majority of my youth, my oldest sister (Who is 8 years older than me, 27) took care of me...and still continues to do so. More than anyone in my life, I'm thankful for her. I guess I should be thankful that I have parents, period. Because although they may not be great ones, it's still more than some others have. 

My mom has five children. ALL of us have different fathers. My "biological" father was the only one my mother actually married. Conicidentally enough, he was also the craziest. He was very, very abusive. I was very young when he was still in all of our lives but I didn't completely go through infantile amnesia, so there is still quite a bit I remember. For example, once my mom and him were divorced...I had to do visitation with him, which is where you just got visit a few times a week. I always dreaded visitation day. He was really cruel and said the most awful things. One time I went to his house for visitation and he had a "surprise" for me. It was a little white bunny rabbit. I was really excited about it. He let me play with it for a little while and then told me it could be mine if I told the court that I wanted to come live with him. I told him no, that I wanted to stay with my brother and two sisters...and my mom. He was furious, and he made me watch as he fed the bunny rabbit to his snake. I understand now that I'm older that he did truly intend the rabbit to be for his snake in the first place, and that it was just some sick game to him. But at that age, I felt like it was my fault...for not wanting to live with him. Another time, he showed me a GUN and told me to tell my mom he had it. So that was pretty scary, as you can probably imagine. Another time I watched him take out pieces of his vehicle and then call my mom and tell her that he couldn't bring me home because his truck wasn't working. I imagine now that was just to lure her in. She ended up bringing someone with her to come get me. When I was younger, my Cystic Fibrosis was way, way worse than it is now. I had a lot of digestive issues, so I had a g-tube in my stomach and had to take enzymes every time I ate. Well he wouldn't give me my medicine and I'd end up really sick. I remember watching him toss them down the sink drain. All of this stuff just built up and I started begging my mom to not make me go. We ended up going back to court over it and I testified against him and we got a restraining order. My mom had gained full custody of me. But that only made him angry and a restraining order didn't stop the abuse. We ended up having to move to a domestic violence shelter in Jacksonville (where I currently live) named Hubbard House. I went to school there, and lived there for quite some time. My poor oldest sister had to leave in the middle of her 9th grade year. 

My mom did the best she could taking care of (at the time) all four of us. She now has a child with the person she's currently with. My little brother is seven, now. I don't really get along with my "step-dad" (He's not technically my step-dad because they're not married but I still call him that.) 

My mom wasn't really the best. I have damaged lobes on my lungs from her smoking around me.  

When I was soon-to-be going into 10th grade, my mom and step-dad and little brother were all in the process of moving into another home. They were heating the house with propane so I couldn't live there. Propane wasn't good for me to be breathing in. So a woman I had known for a very brief time offered to let me come and stay with her just until my family was all settled in and had electric instead of gas heat. This woman (we'll call her N) had a son that died from Cystic Fibrosis at age 20. So we all just sort of assumed she knew how to take care of someone with CF because she had done it before. Anyways, that's how I met my best friend who lives in Germany. She was a foreign exchange student and we were in the same grade. We got to know each other and actually shared a room because I didn't get along well with N's daughter. I was very sick the whole time I was there but I just assumed it was because it was winter and the weather was making me sick. Especially with everyone at school getting colds and me having a bad immune system. There's a lot more to it, but the gist of it is simple. Living there was awful. I found out that the family had been heating their home with propane the entire winter. And I had been breathing it in. Another thing was they gave me "cold medicine" (cough suppressants) Fun fact: People with CF can't take anything that suppresses a cough because if you don't cough, the mucus stays on your lungs and eventually grows bacteria that can be very deadly. I figured it out when I went to school one day and just couldn't do it. I couldn't breathe. I was rushed to the ER and my mom came. They did x-rays and there was so.....so much mucus. It was weighing down on my lungs and I had staph inside of my lungs. They had to go in and scrape the mucus off of my lungs and I was in the hospital for a long time. My immune system was so bad that I wasn't able to go back to school so I had to be home schooled. We couldn't really say anything about the family neglecting me because I wast exactly supposed to be living anywhere other than my parents because I could've lost my Medicaid. Long story short, I moved back in with my moms and got my health back up after about six months. I was pretty healthy the next school year. I was only in the hospital once. 

In 11th grade, I got kicked out of my parents. I had went and spent a week in Gainesville with my ex and my mom was furious that I had missed three days of school (I left on a Wednesday and missed that day, Thursday, and Friday) and she just kicked me out. So I lived with a friend and finished up that year. I ended up moving back to my moms. Again. My senior year, I got sick around February and had to be admitted to the hospital again and was given the opportunity to come home with IVs but only IF someone could change them for me and give me my antibiotic intravenously every four hours. My mom's work schedule wouldn't allow it so my exes family asked me to come stay with them and offered to do it. They were both school teachers so it worked out pretty well with all of our schedules. They enjoyed having me around so they asked me to stay after my IV was out and I had my own room there. My exes family is super religious and one day while my ex was visiting from his duty station in Kentucky, his dad found a box of condoms in his car and was a bit angry about it because they "knew" we had been having sex. So things got a little awkward. I ended up feeling uncomfortable because of how controlling they were. Like I would fly to Kentucky and they would throw a fit that him and I were sleeping in the same bed there. I was 18, I didn't need anyone breathing down my neck and telling me what to do and what not to do. So we got in an argument and I moved in with my friend...who is black. Which was AWESOME. (Soul food every freaking night. It was like I won the jackpot! Haha.) I got along well with her and her family and I'm still really close to them. I had intended to only stay until my trip to New York with my best friend who lives in Germany (We met up there) and she came back to Florida with me and we stayed at my mom's. When my best friend left back to Germany, I went back to my friends and stayed there a few days. 

My oldest sister offered to let me come stay with her and it lasted about a week. It was just too crowded. My other sister who is 25 then offered to let me come stay there because she lived in a better part of town and it would be easier access to job opportunities. So I did that. BIG MISTAKE. Fun fact, she's a lesbian. Did you guys know lesbians have more relationship drama than straight people? I probably just made that up...but I totally believe it. I can believe it though because girls are catty. MEEEEE-OW. My sister and her girlfriend broke up one day and I was at home filling out my resume for a job interview I had the next day. Long story short, my sister came home absolutely wasted and I think thought I was her girlfriend...? Beat the ever living out of me. She's a big girl. Much bigger than me. Not to mention I am not a fighter. It was so bad. Like I'm shaking as I type this because of how scary it was. I actually thought she was going to kill me. I tried to run, run outside and get help once she stopped beating me and she chased me. (She did cross country in high school. I did not. Clearly.) She caught up to me, took my phone and smashed it. Thankfully earlier that night I had accidentally left my mom a really brutal voicemail of her beating the mess out of me and me screaming bloody murder. So my mom came the next morning and my sister had sobered up. This all lasted about four hours and then she quit. I couldn't call anyone because she smashed my phone. It was......bad. My mom came the next morning and I was really badly beaten. She took me home and after I healed up I went to spend a weekend at my OLDEST sisters and I've been there ever since. So I've been there about three or four months now. My brother in law is in the navy and preparing for deployment so he's gone a lot on the ship for duty so there's a lot more room there now and I sleep in my big sisters bed with her. And I love, looooove being around my nephews! My sister just moved back to Jacksonville recently and it's so nice having her home.

I've come to realize that more than anything in this world, I'm most thankful for her. I'm a lot to handle. And she does it anyways. I really don't know what I would do without her. 

It kind if dawned on me lastnight because I was thinking about today and how I don't really have anyone besides her. She's really IT, family-wise. Sure I've got friends and a boyfriend. But she's the only family I have.

*i didn't mention this but I literally got uninvited to thanksgiving because I didn't pay my cell phone bill and my mom got mad.*

I had a contract with AT&T and when your contract ends, you can pay whenever. I mean your phone will get cut off but you don't have to pay it on time. Anyways, when my sister smashed my phone I asked my mom if I could renew my contract and get the upgrade on my phone and she told me no but wouldn't give a legitimate reason. I just recently found out that it's because SHE renewed MY contract so SHE could use my upgrade. So it messes up her credit if I don't pay on time but that's her own fault for going behind my back and using my upgrade. I pay my own phone bill. It was $60 a month, not a huge deal. I told her I'd pay it and she was being super cunty and told me she wasn't going to turn it back on even if I paid is so I said bump that I'm not paying the bill then and boom, uninvited to thanksgiving lol Then my sister took up for me and got uninvited too so yeah, my mom is a maniac. I ended up having to block her because she wouldn't stop harrassing me. So I've been a little while without a phone, but next week I'm going to AT&T and setting up one of those straight talk account things and that's pretty nifty because it's like $45 a month or something. Anyways, yeah, now you guys know some of my hectic life.

I know there are others who've had it way worse, no doubt. I'm not complaining by any means. I'm thankful for everything I've been through because it's made me the person I am today and I'm proud of that. I may not be the absolute prettiest girl, or the smartest girl...but I am a tough girl. And I'm thankful. 

I have a love/hate relationship with long distance relationships.

Until my last relationship, I had never really been in a long distance relationship.  I mean sure, I've had boyfriends that were a few cities over...but it's always been no further than maybe an hour. Anyone who's ever been in a LDR knows how much they tend to suck...but also how exciting/rewarding they can be. My last relationship didn't start off as a LDR. A few months into it, it became one. My ex boyfriend joined the army and moved ten hours away from me. I always told myself that it was easily doable because we didn't start off as a LDR. Major props to anyone who started their whole relationship off as a LDR because it is HARD. Well now I am in a relationship that has started off as long distance. Thankfully it's not ten hours like my last one, but it's still a major headache. 

Cons: 

• Long distance relationships are EXPENSIVE. You're working your butt off pretty much to spend the money you've made from your job on gas to go visit your significant other. It's worth it, you say...and heck, maybe it is. But I don't care who you are, making money and then burning it up on gas isn't fun. Exciting because you get to see your significant other, but no one looks forward to spending the money they worked hard for on gas. For example, two weeks before my boyfriend even got his last paycheck, he knew what it was going towards...gas to come see me. Which is sweet. But inconvenient. I feel like a nuisance sometimes because he spends so much, and he always says "Money is meant to be spent." True. But I'd like to be able to see you annnnd buy those cute brown boots at Nordies. 

• I like having access to love and affection anytime I want/need it...which is ALL THE TIME. I don't want to have to say "I miss you." and get the response "Two more weeks, baby." But hey, it is what it is. I'm just saying I'd like to be able to be like "I miss you." and get a "I'm on my way with Taco Bell, get Netflix ready."

• I'm a sucker for being taken care of when I'm sick. There's nothing better than cuddling up to my man when I have all kinds of aches and pains and him just loving on me and babying me, massaging me, and giving me kisses on kisses on kisses. 

• I feel like everywhere I go, I see couples. One couple, two couple, red couple, blue couple. COUPLES GALORE. And what does that make me do? Miss my significant other...and it turns me into a bitter grump, grimacing at all the young couples commiting the unruly crime of public display of affection...knowing good and well that I'd be doing the same thing if I wasn't alone. Seems mean, I know. But sometimes it's more fun seeing people with their other half when I'm not missing mine like cray cray. But I digress, I don't want to be a bitter Betty. This is only sometimes.

• Feeling left out of the group. "Haha Wade just did the funniest thing. Well you just had to be there." WELL I WASNT SO EXPLAIN TO ME IN GREAT DETAIL WHAT HE DID. HOW FUNNY WAS IT ON A SCALE FROM 1-10? MAKE HIM DO IT AGAIN AND RECORD IT SO I CAN SEE. ALSO EXPLAIN TO ME IN GREAT DETAIL WHAT YOU HAD FOR LUNCH. Okay so maybe I'm not like that at all, but no one likes hearing "You had to be there." ...especially when absolutely nothing sounds better than being there.

• My all time favorite...Britney is complaining on Facebook about how her boyfriend is out of town for a family reunion. He'll only be gone for two days, but that's two days she has to go without blowing up everyone's Instagram with pictures of them eating each other's face off like the zombie apocalypse is happening. LISTEN HERE BRITNEY, ITS JUST TWO DAYS. GET A HOBBY. MAYBE START WORKING ON A DEGREE IN ARCHITECTURE SO YOU CAN BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT. Anyways, being in a LDR makes you want to roundhouse kick anyone who complains about not being able to see their significant other for a few days. 

• I realize all of these cons make me sound insanely selfish and bitter. Honestly, those are just two more cons. Long distance makes me selfish. I forget about everyone else when my boyfriend visits. I made plans with a friend Sunday night and Monday...but cancelled because my boyfriend ended up staying another night and I stayed with him. So I always have to deal with friends getting mad for me "putting them on the back burner" or calling me selfish. If I don't get to see my significant other often, I'm going to take every opportunity to see him that comes at me. I don't care if you're Oprah. I'm still going to want to spend time with my man. 

Okay, now I will stop being a negative Nancy and start listing PROS!

Pros:

• There's that quote from Robin Hood..."Distance makes the heart grow fonder" and boy is that true. There's also "The longer the wait, the sweeter the kiss." Also true. In my opinion, distance can be a really good thing. Missing each other (in a healthy way) can be a really good thing. I'm not saying feeling lonely is good. Not by any means. I say "in a healthy way" because the loneliness my ex felt when we were away from each other was the furthest thing from heathy. For example, he tried to fill the hole...he just wanted to be physical too much, I suppose. Or he needed more attention. Honestly, I'm not sure what motivated him to make dating websites WHILE we were dating, go out to bars/clubs and grind on other girls, text all kinds of girls, or watch porn. Long distance isn't for the unfaithful. Simple as that. 

• Planning. I've realized how much more fun it is to plan and dream together when you're not together every day. You get that dose of clarity and an idea of what you want out of your relationship. If you're like me, you're always thinking of a future with your significant other...well, if you can SEE a future with them. (I don't see the point in dating if you can't see yourself marrying that person.) I'll be grocery shopping and I'll daydream about being married and grocery shopping together, or at home watching Netflix and imagining him here with me in our own home all cozied up together and eyeballs deep in some show on Netflix. Saying things like "When I move there, we're.......blah blah blah." Talking about a future together just feels so good when you're not together all the time.

• It feels good to know that someone thinks you're worth all the trouble of long distance. What's the point of being with someone you can't see all the time if you don't intend on reaching a point in life where you kick distance out of the way and settle down together. Really I feel amazing that my boyfriend thinks "This girl is so amazing that I don't even have to be with her right now because I know it's only a matter of time until this distance goes away and I'm rolling over and kissing her good morning." It simply feels good to be worth the distance.

• Surprises. I'm already working on a trip to where he lives, unexpectedly. And I love that--scheming for the benefit of making him happy. Surprising someone you see every day isn't as special I guess as surprising someone who isn't expecting to see you for at least a few more weeks. I can't stop thinking about seeing his face light up when he sees me and being pulled into the biggest hug ever. 

• Goodbyes are bittersweet. You're kissing and it just feels so good that you don't want to stop, but you know the sooner you say goodbye...the sooner you can start planning getting together again. I mean, goodbyes suck...but they're more like see you laters.

• You always have something to look forward to. You appreciate each other more when the time you have together is limited. Every kiss is sweeter, and every hug is tighter. Up until the very last one.

• I really do believe that if distance is done right, it can make your relationship stronger. That's only if you're in the right relationship, though. That's just my opinion.

Like I stated previously, long distance relationships aren't for everyone. But it takes a special couple to be able to overcome distance and build a happy life together. And think of the stories you'll get to tell your children...how you two made it work only seeing each other every so often, how much trust and love you two had for each other, and how totally worth all the tears and missing each other was. If you both truly want it to work, it will. But it has to be both of you 100%